Reading this woman's blog about clinical depression just reaffirmed for me what I've been thinking after my first group meeting thing I attended called Smart Recovery.. First of all do you know how much speed I had to do just to get up the nerve to go admit to a group of strangers that I'm high on meth? It's ridiculous! Total fucking anxiety death trap.. but I lived. Thing is though, I'm not going to make it in this model either (opposed to AA/12 step/disease model) because the conditions and situation of being chemically dependent on MA is so completely different than any other substance that to be in anything but a substance specific program for at the very least stimulant users is possibly more damaging than good. I tend to agree with the disease model in that I've come to understand and accept that this IS something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, that I AM an addict and notion that I can overcome it alone by way of pure cognitive rationalization is wrong. It's not that any such skills an attempts are futile, it's just that it requires a whole arsenal of methods, resources, support, and medical supervision to get to the source of where the deep undercover covert operative is embedded because most likely it's hijacked and/or converted a good portion of your weapons against you! The biggest misunderstanding or misperception about substance abuse is that the physically addictive substances are more dangerous than the psychological ones. That tidbit of information, the fact that MA is "only" psychologically addictive is precisely the reason why I didn't put a stop to it at the 2-3 mo. mark because then I wasn't as much of a head case as I am now! I had a list of "just say no" substances but everything else was worth testing a time or two just for enhancing my experience with alter levels of consciousness. MA didn't make that list when in fact it should have been the only one on it! Now I'm being told that since it's not a physical addiction (meaning my body will literally not function properly for a bit while I'm confronted with cravings) then it should be easier to convince yourself to keep away from it.. I WISH I COULD REASONABLY AND RATIONALLY COMPREHEND JUST HOW SICK I AM. There are way worse things to have to contend with than the pain of recovering from a physical crisis! A psychological crisis is far more terrifying because you can't tell if or when nor how long it's been or how much longer it will take to heal. I am physically strong as a mama bear but equally as vulnerable and dangerous.. What's going on here in the mythological medical faux pas is that drugs like opiates & alcohol affect certain involuntary organs in the body and change the way they function the result of which is a motor skills reactionary impairment. When sustained over a certain time period sudden changes in the environment could cause them to malfunction or even fail and yes, it's a very real, valid risk but when not an extremely high tolerance situation still it's just a physical urge or craving. Supposedly what separates us humans from animals is our ability to not give in to these primal urges in order to refine ourselves from our experiences and attain to what we call civilized. Yes, you can keep yourself from not panting when appropriate and keep your sweating to a minimum. Alcohol DT's are your heart pounds like you jogged a little stretch and proceeds to continue somewhat even though you're sitting down and no longer need extra oxygen for your limbs so they start to tremble as if collecting static.. embarrassing and frightening if you don't know why or what's causing it but about the only psychological effect is that your brain didn't bother producing melatonin because you didn't need it to trigger sleep, you passed out fine by yourself.. but the good news is that you can easily replace it with an OTC supplement until your brain gets back from vacation.
Stimulants on the other hand have a lesser effect on these organs although it does indeed stimulate your heart just the opposite of narcotics (which is why we tweakers are experts on this whole self medication regimen..) and your metabolism etc. but the number one ORGAN in your PHYSICAL BODY it has a PROFOUND effect upon is YOUR BRAIN. What's the 2 organs that you can't live without/where do you shoot if you aim to kill? That's what they call a "psychological" addiction!! Oh your brain is just rapidly deteriorating and the longer you have used the substance the less it can function without it.. but it's just YOUR HEAD?!?! Well at least you can still control your penis because if you peed in your pants that would be uncomfortable being all, you know, wet... (tweaker falls into a sudden anxiety attack at the mere notion of having to be around someone who'd so obviously be utterly humiliated and they need to take another hit so they can figure out how they would hypothetically handle it intelligently and rational and sympathetic but without actually imagining how they would feel if it were them because the trauma would be incapacitating.. (See the tweaker suffers from an exceptional empathic sense of self a pertains to others and a complete collapse of self confidence because of their psychological crutch to make up for it..) Summoning the courage to confess your weakness when in the midst of a crisis is cause enough for crisis in its own accord. Tell a person that they need or really should "get some help" is cold calculated cruelty to them because they're in a crisis, of course they need fucking help! Are you all out of compassion? Can't you even be considerate then and not rub it in that I need help and you don't because you're too good to be hurt which makes you too good to give me some help. My god, I sympathize with every single nuance of despair hidden or otherwise hinted at of yours trying to show you that I care and offer you unconditional human uh connection.. (despite the horror) I would PHYSICALLY literally walk to the ends of the earth, with no sleep, just a bag of speed, ceaselessly to help you!!? I can't believe you don't understand how hurt I am? Here, some hurt for you so eventually you'll connect on some level and treat me like a human.. puppies get treated better because they're cuter than I am... Just shoot me! *whimper *whimper *grabs purse heads to bathroom *****reappears unaffected or ~quick change~ *recovers by going from victim to retaliatory abuser as defense mechanism all with the assumption that you get that it's a dose of your own medicine even though you thought you were being sincere but you can't understand a soul in torment because it is seriously sabotaged by a physical flooded carburetor, failed ignition, and they're outta oil trying to just give it some gas ~ it will fire up, always does! This is what a psychological addiction does. Heartbeat regulated, wipers on, go! vrooom...? oops ~ emergency brake heheh.. snap out of it! it's all in your head!
wtf? guess I'm crazy.. awesome I'll just add that to my to do list and GET IT FIXED soon as find me some HELP but what's the use? nobody can help because no one cares for a junkyard cat...
*note this was actually written on or around 1/5/2012 but I buried it in my archives, hiding it from general view, post dated the post a few years so it won't appear on the front page/home but is publicly published and accessible for anyone researching the topic of meth addiction, treatment. I will help in any way I can by sharing my experience etc!
*Never permit the thought or will of any other Being to interfere with your own. Be constantly vigilant to resent, and on the alert to resist, with unvanquishable ardour and vehemence of passion unquenchable, every attempt of any other Being to influence you otherwise than by contributing new facts to your experience of the Universe, or by assisting you to reach a higher synthesis of Truth by the mode of passionate fusion.
I've had an epiphany which makes me happy because a new friend reminded me how much I like that word and was hoping to use it soon maybe.. but the epiphany itself is annoying because I've been really exhausting myself with this lately and it seems really stupid and totally silly. Let me pause though right there for a note in case you have been concerned about me with a certain trial or posted tribulating and if so why thank you for being concerned as I was quite concerned about me, honestly, too. I've doubted almost everything at some point but my perseverity is not one of these in the least before this past thing. Yes it too has passed and I'm thanking the shrines of mercy, prayers for me or generally everything seen or unseen that had any effect on assisting me whatsoever, and then me as well obviously because I Will not give up! Absolutely! Unless it kills me and that's for damn sure! I can be certain of that now at least. It was beyond belief how difficult a test it was because on the surface and especially by rational standards it should have been minor for me because I've come a really long way on releasing attachments, and acknowledged and set free much, much more significant soul bonding but this was a very different kind of test indeed because there was an intentional danger which I never expected to encounter so directly indirectly with such a horribly malicious core, wherever it came from or whatever that energy was it was not a part of me! Like love didn't work because it would not assimilate which I have encountered but I've always sensed instantly and squashed like a mosquito.. This was very new however, methodic tacticfully, cold and calculated, disguised perfectly etc.. but that just must mean the game is ON my friends and I'm glad because I hate waiting, have the best team- we're professionals at this for christsake, and I already know the outcome anyway so get on it already. I say let's make up a little strategy shall we? Okay then, now where were we? Where did my epiphany go? K got it- I've found this to be with true with some other folks hence calling it an epiphany so check it out cuz once it occurs to you if you're doing it too you can be annoyed and bitch with me: ) No, of all the things to get hung up on this is gotta be the dumbest thing. I've been like waiting, or applying for, or trying to earn in some way, register maybe, thinking I need to get everyone else's permission to go ahead and step up to the plate, arise and be the best me, the truest me, not because I need reassuring nor have I any doubts, insecurities, fear of failing if I try NOPE, not it at all. I know purely what is will that's not a questionable thing. I'm wanting to get like a socially acceptable behavior model diagram or ethics class for dummies, etiquitte training for the gods and goddesses, archetypes and deities, and there isn't any good functionable myths still applicable from our history.. So I'm afraid I'll be rude, upstage someone, hurt their feelings, become a total bitch if I become the highest part of me move outwardly. That's ridiculous I think. This mean something hasn't occured to yet, huh? Well I'm ready to bring it regardless Anybody else? How bout I go and you follow my lead and back me up, no wait you go first, okay on the count of 3- Ready? 1...
you're made of my river baby you're made of my sin and i cant tell where your lust ends and where your love begins i didn't want to hurt you baby i didn't want to hurt you i didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry and the moon gives me permission and i enter through her eyes she's losing her virginity and all her will to compromise i didn't want to hurt you baby i didn't want to hurt you i didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry i didn't want to fuck you baby i didn't want to fuck you i didn't want to fuck you but you're pretty when you're mine i didn't really love you baby i didn't really love you i didn't really love you but i'm pretty when i lie you hurt me baby i hurt you baby if you knew how much i love you, you would run away but when i treat you bad it always makes you want to stay i didn't want to hurt you baby i didn't want to hurt you baby how can you do this to me now?
okay so I'm making my prediction so I can say I told ya so. Side note- I think I have a new msg.r stalker and I'm absolutely not referring to you Marco- you're a fabulous fairy tale daydream (strictly coherently creative, grounded and harmless- human not idolistic, with not the slightest notion of an expectation. Nothing but respect k!) that's welcomely distracting me a tiny bit from the agonizing acceptance phase of a failed recent relationship that I want to fight with the passion of a religion or something but know, like a religion, is doomed to not save anybody. I only have like 5-8 "friends" on LJ btw all most entirely strangers that I thankfully can thus be myself with, not that I'm hiding much... sphinx! Hmm, what was I writing about? Oh there's something going on around now with I wrote "statue of liberty girl and her prince were walking down stream" before having coffee maybe 3 years ago that I believe has to do with the formula yhvh, suit of wands obviously. Any insight appreciated C93! I've been meaning to write you but there's too much to fit in one email and I'm not sure where to start rambling and if I start Will I end... Hell, I'm not sure if I'm going or coming. I have a theory about the backside of the same tree but I'm still tragically romantic with a martyr complex at times, others so completely tired and jaded. That just reminded me of JC Superstar, love that stupid movie!
