no thanks

none whatsoever except for my space.

Enjoy stuffing your faces everybody! I'm going on a fast for the one that got away and I don't really have a damn thing else to say right now but Ouch- I'm alone here!

Believing You're a Hero

How can you start a revolution when you can't seem to manage yourself well enough and keep anything consistent in your regular revolutions around the sun much less 24 hr. rotations?! This is a sad moment in the life of our hero, that is if there are still any believers in our tale, our hero is not sure she can believe in herself. Let's hold our hope in the one redeemable quality she will recognize is her refusal to be nothing but honest at all cost to everyone with no exceptions but maybe herself. All the prophets are prisoners until all the prisoners are free, my friends. All heros are failures unless they can save themselves, and the fearless fear victory more than death because death is not the end for a warrior soul. The hardest thing to do is to lay it down. Will she, can she pick it back up? She's fighting the biggest two-headed beast encountered yet Fear of Failure and Perpetuation the mother of triplets Futile, Forget, and Follower who with their cousins the Power Lusters spawned the race of Zombies who She's only trying to save from their unacknowledged reality. The pending doom She so fiercely Will change to a safe unknowledgable fate that she forgets about her own state of affairs affecting all the conditions neccesary for optimal performance. Fuck! How do you let go of expectaions for yourself so you can at least move on and maybe meet someone else's expectations as a more reasonable goal? I even expect myself to have no expectations of anybody else in order to live as an example of a human that completely cares enough to understand. I don't understand Myself anymore! I've committed to being so fully righteous that I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I must be trying so hard to not be attached to anything since I truly know how temporary is everything that I've been booby trapping everything I really want or actually care about- Me in general. I'm so convinced I just can't have what I Want that I see to it that I don't get what I want! Am I afraid to be happy because it has never lasted forever in the past? See that paradox there is exactly the same way I view emotions and self preserving importance- Impossible to reconcile therefore irrelevant and not worthy of concern. Have I gotten anywhere with this yet?? Let's see: I keep shooting myself in the foot when I'm running for the prize because I don't believe I deserve it and the only reason I'm in the race is so I can share the prize with All of Creation, or because of Creation, and prevent it's destruction by initiating Transformation which is also actually an end. Yep, that bout sums it up. Does that make sense to anyone else whatsoever? I would love to know if it does so they will explain it to me... Can a psychologist psyche themself out? or a healer be healed? Saviour be saved? Is there a need overcome such selflessness as to prevent destroying yourself because you have no choice but to do your Will, even if it destroys everything you love. You will lose it anyway if you walk away.



Oh Rose, thou Art sick.

Rogue

art by my sister, Rogue LaRoq- www.myspace.com/xoxrogue

Star chaser,
Can you read my infrared scripture?
There's an energy flowing through every living thing.
Going to help your brothers and sisters to see?
Moon-shine healers we are .
Moonshine heals you if you believe.
It's just an energy.

Omar El Flambe

This is one of my all time most favorite people to have ever walked the planet. I have never met anyone so extremely talented yet completely humble and honestly sincere. Not only that but somehow it was possible for him to still be confident enough to go out on a limb to bring out the potential in everyone he met. He looked into me and saw what I wasn't even remotely aware of yet, the potential I not only lacked the confidence to bring out but hadn't even dreamed of owning a slight possibility. Yet even at that level of inferiority my ideas, and perspective was not only heard and considered but treated as critical material for the performance we were working on as each and all involved were equally expressing what they had to offer. Jeff was always the star even when he didn't want to be for a change. He was so brilliant! I will honestly say all of my best leadership skills can from working with him. It is possible to be entirely the best person around but not treat everyone as beneath you, then encourage them to be their best so the whole group is dynamic instead of competitive and drawn into some underlying cast system where there's no goal to aspire to. Jeff was that good, he had no need to prove anything but inspire, express, and spread discord in that cosmic trigger way- that much I at least I was tuned into. It was winter 97/98 and I was just getting the fever for this new world of performance art- working with FIRE but I had no idea it was going to change my life completely. Jeff Thomas looked me in the eye and saw that light which isn't all pixy sticks and puppies, but the burning relentless passion to ignite a revelation. This is the soul who was not the one who handed me the torch but the one who set it on fire! Jeff Thomas taught me how to eat and breath fire while insisting on keeping one foot in the water at all times. LOL! It was half a joke on my fire momma/ bossy big sister's overly anal (which I'm very thankful to have instilled in me for balance btw) and the other half made it a ritual. A ceremony not unlike other ancient sacred tribal initiations where the high priest opens the door to the mysteries for one of his few chosen apprentices. I'm getting heavy and sounding silly- we were drinking beer, smoking desert weed, mostly high on adrenaline, and it was the most alive I had ever felt in my life. The next day I got my fez (Moorish Orthodox Fire Shrine)! I don't think I ever told him just how thankful I am that he and Rich came to that gig in Phoenix on my birthday because they heard there was some fire women coming into town but he didn't need to hear me. He was like a buddha content with service yet pushing the limits of perception constantly. Intensely present like a single flame of a candle with the roar of ocean waves crashing down on what tries remain immoveable. I truley respected him more than any other human being born which is why he's gone to paradise on vacation with front row seats to the biggest cirque du soliel show ever! For me it will be the best performance in history just because he's watching and believes in me. You might as well be walking on the sun Jeffe..

IGNI NATURA RENEVATU INTEGRA!

if life's a bowl of cherries I must be dead

Seriously the pits would have more nutritional value than my current resources. I'm starving here and that's on top of being sick from stress. I'm just wondering what is going to kill me first- starvation, drugs, my broken heart, alcohol- no can't afford any, the shear insanity of it that I've been more successful w/money in the past when trying to die than I am right now wanting desperately to live, to create, to love and give myself in service as inspiration. Pretty challenging to do when I was lacking inspiration myself from absense of family/love, and even when just really low on motivation from lack of seeing results, but now I'm lacking understanding of how it's even possible for my luck to be so lost when my intentions are so pure. Now I'm about to lose my sanity from disbelief. It goes against my nature to even accept these circumstances as reality and that opens a whole bag of worms called schizophrenia! It's gotta be some kind of spiritual transformation- rebirthing. Let's do it! Get to the bottom- what? What do I need to let go of? I want to live, breathe, dance, create, and I won't even be too scared to love again. Insanity scares me more than pain, way more than pain. At least you know you're alive when it hurts even though living doesn't seem like a very fun thing to do. Wondering if you are a ghost is certainly hell. To be aware yet have no effect on anything you perceive- this is spiritual death. I am humbled. I will be thankful for any attention I am blessed with and not expect compassion and understanding so much as I have because of expections I keep for myself. EVEN LIFE IS A PRIVLEDGE AND NOT A RIGHT! Respect it. You are not owed anything just because you were born. If you don't learn that you won't even have a soul to occupy when all of this is done. Apathy will not hide you just as the dark can not hide from the light. Thank you.