What do you want out of your life?

“In The Circus of Lost Dreams, Nin Andrews and Emily Lisker become a magical duet. The two share an insatiable, tender, and wry imagination. Their poems and paintings together are profound in their insights regarding power, male/female relationships, and spirituality. ”

— Denise Duhamel

Dear life... I am ready now!

I realize to an outsider (someone who doesn't know me personally, only what they see online) I may come off as miserable tragedy girl. However, I am NOT. I am actually incredibly resilient! I feel things deeply and it is because of this that I often need to offload my pain and problems onto this blog. I'm a firm believer of getting things out of me and not letting them festering and distill into a deadly intoxicant. The best way for me to not plague other people with negativity nor to dump on the people who hurt me which really doesn't accomplish anything yet to hold it all in is unhealthy for me so I write it all out. I sit down and I let every single thought and feeling, no matter how pathetic or irrational, pour out and keeping pouring until I have nothing more to add to it... THEN IT IS DONE and I can move on!

Nothing written here in all its sappy stench is how I still feel! Why do I not have many blog entries of positive inspiring stuff? Because that I actively share and express with the world around me. That is the radiant glow that attracted you to me so do not read this journal as a way to get to know me. Wait until perhaps you have fallen in love with me and from a place of love need to know what has tragically happened to me and then you will see the light of my survival and the joy I bring despite of these things. 

Namaste, dear friend. I am the part of you that loves you. Do you see me?

a letter for an ex and his newest "love"

Hey Jeremiah ~

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO SPEND MORE THAN 2 MO AT A TIME OF EVERY 2 YEARS OF YOUR ENTIRE ADULT LIFE ACTUALLY SINGLE AND ALONE GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF and maybe discover why can't stay with a woman for more than 2 years or at the very least confront and admit you have a problem with this ridiculously redundant pattern?! 

Jeremiah and Medea approx. 2 mo after he broke up with Brittany, they're in love. 

You might actually grow up in that time and learn to be honest with yourself so that you quit telling those hurtful lies that betray the trust of the people who open themselves up to be utterly annihilated by your immature role playing game of replicating your father instead of healing those wounds and transcending them. 

JJ and Brittany (left: approx. 2 mo after he broke up with me swearing he was going to stay single for a year... right: a year later around approx. their 1 year anniversary)

"If I live till I'm 102 just don't think I'll ever get over you..."

Me and Jeremiah (bottom 2: approx. 2 mo after he broke up with Amber.. on the L: the day we met when he told me he just got out of a relationship and was going to remain single for a year... Top L: our 1 year anniversary dinner celebration precisely a year to the day later..)

You're a destroyer of lives! I'm still not alright! Now you're dating a woman with a child, are you serious?! You're not. Tell her you're not. Tell her what you told me near the end, that you don't think you'll ever be married. That you habitually change women every 2 years like clockwork... Switch! 1-2 switch! That when you say "I unequivocally and irrevocably am in love you!" you lie! That contract will be revoked undubitously in 2 years ~ Medea,

Mark my words.. if ever there was a guarantee based on history it is this. Don't believe me cuz I'm just a psycho drug addled ex? Ask Rachel! She tried to warn me about it because I just like you thought he was my forever live happily ever after... See what comes next?

JJ and Amber 

There was a photo on her FB of the two of them that looked like a wedding photo but I don't remember her last name and this is surely enough creepy stalking/ psycho ex crap for one day... not to imply I do it often and/or intend to do it again! Seriously I'm not a total masochist. FB just placed you first in my "people you might know" and there I discovered merely maybe 3 months if even after I heard him and B split is someone pronouncing him "her love" and happiness. Who the fuck falls head over heels in love in less than 2 mo after being in love with someone else for 2 years? Have you ever been completely in love and then again almost immediately without at least 6 or so months to grieve, find yourself again, then meet somebody but insist you take it slowly?! What's the odds that someone could have such unbelievable luck in love??? Something's not right. I was left devastated and checked myself into rehab to prevent committing suicide. 6 months after I got out I started sorta seeing a rebound guy but he was rebounding too so we casually dated (only spent one night a weekend on average together) for 8 months and never uttered the ILY. After that about 1.5 yr clean when I realized it wasn't going to get any better, that I was still not over J, I relapsed...

"In the tapestry of fate each thread comes to an end." The Demoness returns to accept her fate except she is cursed, there is no redemption for her. No wings, no love, only acceptance and maybe peace after the decline of humanity.. Hope it's comforting. 

I'm trying to heal. I've been horribly damaged by him and haven't had a good healthy relationship since and I don't honestly know if I ever will trust and completely open my heart up to be in love ever again. He destroyed that. He was my one true love, I was just a Demoness he needed to fulfill his own selfish dream. He promised me that after I helped him launch AE he would help me with my play. Then we did AE again, and again, and again, and when I finally said "that's it! my turn now?" he was finished.

Protect your kid. He will never play house with you and be a family unit. His family is AraKus and despite all of his friends being married now, it will never happen! Don't delude yourself! Stand guard of your heart and most especially your child. Mine died (cat) 2 weeks after he left on xmas eve. Great punctuation to my tragedy, eh? I'll never understand why that had to happen that way. It was a symbolic death of my spirit and it's yet to be reborn fully transcended yet. Perhaps if I reach through to you and stop the pattern, prevent you from becoming so broken, maybe then I can finally let it go? I don't know, I don't know.... Blessed be. 

What was the bang?

SO I WAS ASKED ~ 

  "And what brings you to tinder?  Conversation?  Friends?  Drinks?  Needing to bang one out?"

MY RESPONSE ~

Well first of all women don't EVER "need to bang one out" pretty sure that involves a penis, hand, and perhaps a porn pic or something to that extent? I wouldn't know.. but it sounds like a problem you guys are on your own with. 

Next I hardly think tinder would be a very good source for finding lasting friendship. Is there even such a thing as REAL friendship in the days of Facebook? I'm unsure. Seems some of my "friends" do indeed have friends they regularly spend time with and have known for many years. I have basically my family of friends who I mostly haven't seen in YEARS since they moved to the woods and starting raising hippie kids. Then I have a shit ton of acquaintances everywhere I go! I don't have single super close consistent friend who I frequently do things with, I'm independent but lonely in a crowd that I personally know half of. Would like one but....

Conversation, meh. Acquaintances and random stranger work fine for such stuff. 

 Drinks? Yes!

Now you left some options out if you can believe it. A fuck/get laid/hook up or anything but "bang one out" Not opposed after drinks perhaps see where it goes. 

And last, relationship. I know, I know, go ahead and chastise me back as I certainly deserve it after this novel reply... but I want one of those. So if the bang is worth a few bucks (ah!) NO.. if the chemistry is present, and there's intrigue, then the sex is spot on and other factors after that which is usually where everything goes horribly wrong but regardless it would be righteous if the sex became frequent and the company didn't suck too and became a healthy-ish habit etc etc. 

Happy? Have a good boom bang crackle woo k (July 4th)

Happens to me every time...

I can't believe I fall for it every single time no matter how many times it's happened before! I don't think I'll ever learn or not hope for once I've found a real catch and we obviously can't teach men how not to effect us like this.. So let's say a guy hasn't msg'd or been around for a few days leaving you wondering if he's moved as he certainly hasn't been thinking of you like you have been him.. then finally sends a text with:

What are you up to tonight?

I, or let's just say the girl, always reads this as if it says:

Sorry I've been busy, babe, but I intend to make it up to you. What are you doing tonight?

When what he's saying is nothing of the sort. In fact, he thinks he's is totally being cool and considerate by out of the blue engaging her with totally meaningless idle chit chat. Whatever you are up to that evening is of no real concern to him whatsoever as he's just hoping to engage her in a conversation on any sort of random topic that's NOT what he has been up to nor what he's actually doing himself that evening but he knows if he doesn't text her at all a 3rd night in a row she will certainly question his modus operandi as she'll want to know why he hasn't checked in. "What are you up to tonight?" isn't a date proposal as she delights in the notion of, he already has plans and he hoped that she has some herself by now so she's the one who's got a problem with fomo. She however has awaited this feeling of alas a lawless victory! So she responds with something cheerful and casual yet assumes the prize is in her bag:

Going crazy.. wanting to see you! Come watch that movie or do that thing you said earlier we'd do sometime this week and you have to work the rest of it other than tonight, right?

....

No response for a couple hours as he struggles with how he can possibly tell her the truth is he made plans with his bros he works with and sees every other day of the week on his one night off instead of meaning what he said he'd do. He simply though saying it would placate her and she'd get bored I guess and find someone else to help her with the task she only asked him to help her with as an excuse to spend some time being sweet to him.. Meanwhile she has proceeded to get into the shower or start making them both dinner or tidying up in prep for his imminent arrival he's only waiting to determine which bus he can catch before giving her an accurate eta... He responds off topic trying to turn that tactic into an 0 for 3 as successful stalling.

What time is your thing tomorrow?

9ish.

I'll try to make it but I have to switch my shift at work. 

 ....

 

You're not coming over tonight are you?

No...

Now she feels worse than she would have if she hadn't even heard from him instead of being lifted by her wishes, hopes, and spoken promises... and then dropped back down to Earth causing another crack to appear in her heart.