Let there always be never ending Light!

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Namaste. 93

Happens to me every time...

I can't believe I fall for it every single time no matter how many times it's happened before! I don't think I'll ever learn or not hope for once I've found a real catch and we obviously can't teach men how not to effect us like this.. So let's say a guy hasn't msg'd or been around for a few days leaving you wondering if he's moved as he certainly hasn't been thinking of you like you have been him.. then finally sends a text with:

What are you up to tonight?

I, or let's just say the girl, always reads this as if it says:

Sorry I've been busy, babe, but I intend to make it up to you. What are you doing tonight?

When what he's saying is nothing of the sort. In fact, he thinks he's is totally being cool and considerate by out of the blue engaging her with totally meaningless idle chit chat. Whatever you are up to that evening is of no real concern to him whatsoever as he's just hoping to engage her in a conversation on any sort of random topic that's NOT what he has been up to nor what he's actually doing himself that evening but he knows if he doesn't text her at all a 3rd night in a row she will certainly question his modus operandi as she'll want to know why he hasn't checked in. "What are you up to tonight?" isn't a date proposal as she delights in the notion of, he already has plans and he hoped that she has some herself by now so she's the one who's got a problem with fomo. She however has awaited this feeling of alas a lawless victory! So she responds with something cheerful and casual yet assumes the prize is in her bag:

Going crazy.. wanting to see you! Come watch that movie or do that thing you said earlier we'd do sometime this week and you have to work the rest of it other than tonight, right?

....

No response for a couple hours as he struggles with how he can possibly tell her the truth is he made plans with his bros he works with and sees every other day of the week on his one night off instead of meaning what he said he'd do. He simply though saying it would placate her and she'd get bored I guess and find someone else to help her with the task she only asked him to help her with as an excuse to spend some time being sweet to him.. Meanwhile she has proceeded to get into the shower or start making them both dinner or tidying up in prep for his imminent arrival he's only waiting to determine which bus he can catch before giving her an accurate eta... He responds off topic trying to turn that tactic into an 0 for 3 as successful stalling.

What time is your thing tomorrow?

9ish.

I'll try to make it but I have to switch my shift at work. 

 ....

 

You're not coming over tonight are you?

No...

Now she feels worse than she would have if she hadn't even heard from him instead of being lifted by her wishes, hopes, and spoken promises... and then dropped back down to Earth causing another crack to appear in her heart.

Are love spells bad if YOU don't cast them?

Here. It's just a sparkly fairy. What harm could a sparkly fairy be really? My first tattoo was a green fairy sitting on my shoulder. The root of my name is Asrai which are faeries that turn to water when captured. Reconciliation with a liar, huh? Is that what I really want? More than reconciliation I'd like an explanation, and most of all a proper good bye at the very least. I believe that anyone who has intimately bonded and shared love and special times with me owes me that much respect! I go kind of hysterical when partners fail to SEVER ties without ritual genuine closure. They're running around doing all kinds of things with strings still attached to me so I can feel all of it as if it's being blatantly done in front of my face intentionally to hurt and punish me for some wrong thing I didn't know I'd done... maddening!! Instead of a complete full circle feeling of surrender and cord cutting and being better off for the meeting and thankful for the gift of time and reflecting.

REUNITE. Or cut the cords with a face to face honest heart open truthful conversation, a few tears, a hug and good bye I'll love you always and someday be a good friend you know you can TRUST.

NOT a dick coward who was the only person I trusted said they loved me and yet bald face lied and betrayed me leaving me more damaged than I was before knowing your sweetness!

ALWAYS LEAVE A BLESSING!

Free Make Up Spells

OutLaw on Burning Man and What it's Become

I'm so sick of hearing about Burning Man!

It went from this (SF beach)..

I wish the LLC, whom everyone refers to as "Burning Man Org" which seems to be a derogatory term as far as I've seen.. had just cancelled it and retired with the copyrights still in their possession! So bad.. seriously! Then Burning Man could finally be an era we all look back on fondly in our memory and become stories we tell to our kids whenever they beg us to go to raves or whatever the kids are into these days.. Instead of being considered a community that has the right to decide for itself what to do with itself because the community has become a bunch of whiny lame ass self righteous dissenters who only want to talk shit about everyone and everything and not give any credit whatsoever to the people who worked their asses off half their life putting on the ONE THING IN THE WORLD THAT TRULY CHANGED THEIR LIVES forever.

To this (Black Rock Desert)..

But NO. I now have to listen to them whine about not getting tickets. Hear them boast about scoring tickets. See them beg and beg and beg for tickets for the next five fucking months escalating into a massive crescendo that will completely occupy my Facebook feed come the end of August and still not quit because they can post of Facebook from the goddamn playa now!? See! Even I who always stand up for the LLC/org members who are or were people I once considered close personal friends in addition to co-workers, have become a voice of dissent! Only difference between me and all the others I'm referring to is I hate burners instead of being a burner who hates the org. Actually the only difference between me and any of them is likely only in my eyes.. moment of clarity, eh? I'll readily admit when I'm wrong.. wish I could say the same for burners!

To this! (Black Rock City)

The difference between me and the dissenters is I ACTUALLY HAVE FIRST PERSON KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE TO BACK MY OPINION opposed to hearing some dude that managed to become a famous dissenter (ie. Chicken John) ex burner who has now moved on with his life but not before raising a whole lotta hell scrutinizing the way the org ran things and claiming all the while to be one of the "original burners" which is simply not true as his claim some kind of authority that gave him the right to an opinion. (edit: actually he was around in the first days on the playa apparently according to the article I sighted but then again it could just be him talking big as many burners are known to do) Always about the damn community.. The truth is I guess it has to be because I know from direct experience as a DPW Project Manager for 6 years no one can accomplish anything in the desert alone! It was only by being a team player I was able to rise to such ranks as I did and was able to lead my crew like a team thus creating a small exclusive community or rather "the winners" of such things as racing Tony's (Perez aka Coyote.. current Head of DPW) crew in completing our half of the city's intersection's in t-staking and installing street signs.. The original "burners" or community members back when it was on the beach in San Francisco is the majority of what was once called the Org and they have done the BEST they can with everything they were thrown! Here's a good fair article on Burning Man's History including sentiments of John Law who I hung out with on the playa one 4th of July weekend and agree he's crazy (as the anti-Law camp says) but also very knowledgeable of the terrain of the Black Rock Desert. He was on a mission to shoot out propane tanks though btw.. which is illegal and enforced by the BLM making my opinion of him as equally respectable as Danger Ranger an antithesis because such is the nature of a "radical self reliant" philosophy.

And from this..

The fact of the matter is that Burning Man is just TOO BIG!! Everyone use to be mad at how much they have to pay to go to it but what they didn't realize is how expensive to was/or is to put on! Of course now there's at least 10 thousand burners who want to go and are willing to pay as much as they ask but can't because it's TOO BIG so now they're all dissenters because they didn't win the (literal) lottery to have an opportunity to buy a ticket!? Then there's the burners who can't afford a ticket if they won the lottery (like me) talking shit about how those who can are selling out to the Man and the greedy LLC who's retiring soon and turning it over to most likely people who were dissenters for a long while and now are going to become exactly who they hated and make the exact same decisions once they understand the situation surrounding the decisions and the fact that the options are always either not have the event or the other option and they will grow to hate and blame the BLM as much as we did who is just a federal "org" put in charge of managing land that nobody wants because there's nothing productive to be done with it other than throw a big party on it and establish a temporary city that packs up and leaves because no one really wants to live there all year.

To this!

I wish I didn't have to have these conversations or write these blogs every year! It just makes me so mad all the things I have to hear that are simply uneducated inexperienced opinions and opinions are like assholes ~ they stink! Everyone should just get together with their own damn friends, get a permit, and go build and burn their own damn man and see what happens then!

Build your own damn man!

Hello? Friends?

I need new friends! I realize I've been a bitter pill lately and it's mainly because I feel lost, alone, and unloved. I put a tremendous amount of weight on my partner because other than my parents I believe that he is the only one that cares about me therefore I depend on him for everything. I don't get it. I've always been extremely independent but more and more I've become less selfishly motivated. I was fiercely independent because I wouldn't allow someone to tie me down as there were always other things for me to do, see, place for me to be, people to meet but all those things were temporary. In the end they flew off quicker than I could stop and perch and then I saw others nesting and thought I should probably leave, no one wants to nest with me.. But is there a tree I could call my community? Is anything constant enough to not break off. I feel like deep roots without new leafs, no buds, no flowers ready for the termites to come devour. See.. bitter pill! :/

whither the Demoness wails

There is no other day or night than this.
Thou shalt inspire the proud ones with infinite pride,
and the humble ones with an ecstasy of abasement;
all this shall transcend the Known and the Unknown

Thou art like a lonely pillar in the midst of the sea;
there is none to behold Thee
I too am the Soul of the desert;
thou shalt seek me yet again in the wilderness of sand.
Even as evil kisses corrupt the blood,
so do my words devour the spirit of man.

I breathe, and there is infinite dis-ease in the spirit.
Thou hast fastened the fangs of Eternity in my soul,
and the Poison of the Infinite hath consumed me utterly.

Then, O then call not to thy view that visible
Image of Nature; fatal is her name!
It fitteth not thy Body to behold
That living light of Hell,
The unluminous, dead flame,
Until that body from the crucible
Hath passed, pure gold!

There is a beauty unspeakable in this heart of corruption,
where the flowers are aflame.

Ah me!
The thirst of Thy joy parches up this throat,
so that I cannot sing.
Beckons, and with inverted torch doth stand
To lead us with a gentle hand
Into the Land of the Great Departed,

Into the Silent Land, I came to the house of the Beloved.
Therefore Thou art mine, even now and for ever and for everlasting. Amen.

I dream of Djinni

If I could have 3 wishes I'd wish for:

~ 4-6 more hours in a day so I'd have time for 8-10 hours sleep, 3 square meals, laundry, grocery shopping trips, and sex...



~ an extra set of arms like Kali or Shiva so I could more effectively multi-task like carrying groceries, while smoking a cigarette, and type a text..








 ~ abolish all credit including the US federal note so that there would be a level the playing field for everyone here on Earth.