At last.. Victory means Validation!

I had an appointment today with the clinical psychologist who serves as the director of Harborview Mental Health & Recovery Services. He said yes, approximately 1 in 50 are in fact considered good candidates for self medicating ADD diagnosis instead of considered meth addicts. Having no criminal record nor history of emergency room visits due to overdosing, the fact I'm 42 with all my teeth and don't look like the typical user and maintain a perfectly reasonable cognitive level and regular meal & rest schedule makes me a candidate. I was right! I didn't give up on myself because I knew there was a better option than absolute abstinence until eventual frustrating relapse occurrence when I would finally decide that my will was to do the things I am capable of instead of be a helpless spectator. Neither were good for my self esteem but I determined I was happier when I am productive and would just have to accept the loneliness as drug use is a relationship deal breaker says everyone including people who are bipolar, alcoholics, Ducati addicts without internal organs from racing wrecks.. whatever! Everyone thinks they are the exception to being able to judge poor impulse control behavior and it's impossible for someone under demon drug possession to carefully assess their own situation to come to an unpopular conclusion that might actually be true and 100% valid. To all the haters and the ex who conveniently used the excuse instead of admitting to his serial situation:

SUCK IT!!!

My Special Selfie is really actually Steiner

This was suppose to be a "self summary" on a singles site that I registered on while doing business research for an event idea I'm thinking of producing next month.. but as you can read apparently I am the reincarnation of Rudolph Steiner:

Oh dear, what can I say? I'm really special! 

Before you go deciding that I must be a total narcissist from that, maybe I meant "special" as in "special ed" or "special olympics"? Indeed, I did ride the short bus for special people in elementary school once a week to be in the program where we did brain teaser puzzles to challenge us since long division wasn't enough. Actually I suck at abstract notions as numbers greater than the amount of dollars I will ever need to manage to spend (not a lot at all..) but I am hyper aware of more real but less substantiated subjects as the collective human subconscious. This is where I aim to effect change through my art and what I am is truly an artist who relentlessly strives to (not starve) fulfill my destiny as a member of the circus of the sun!

Now just wtf do I mean by that exactly? A lot of things both physically real and ethereally pre-ordained. Now is when I start to sound really special! If you can not fathom a universe where both a God (actually most likely a Goddess since we are made in her image and she gave birth to the world) and a scientific beginning big bang simultaneously co-exist then you might as well stop right here. I don't enjoy playing the jester as words are so very faulty when it comes to truth defined to have a meaning or a means to offend and humans are so horribly designed to be judgmental as a survival instinct gone horribly wrong and mass misperception given way to monumentally mad convictions. Our brains are programmed to make an initial short as in 3-5 second assessment and then categorize as yes or no, safe or danger, friend or foe. Nothing closes the door to our infinitely more advanced brainwave capabilities quicker than our preconceived notions like who instantly deemed me an arrogant narcissist, or "special" was offensive even though it wasn't "retarded", then I admitted that my high IQ is a social hindrance, now I'm attempting to define a higher consciousness to whom I gave my life in service yet I'm sure many a Christian male tuned out at mention of "goddess" assuming I'm one of those feminists or pagan demoness. It's true. I am both but it doesn't take much intelligence to understand the deity know as God simply can not be omnipotent and labeled with a limit like gender. Also She/theM said "let there be light" ~ BANG!!!

That my most humbly open minded, dear reader, is a fact we know in our hearts. Every time it beats we feel it course through us as we our manifestations of that one light. So I am cursed to walk this earth with a torch seeking to shine into the dark recesses of human ignorance and unconsciousness and worse, intentional attempts to disconnect from the source and instead consume it. The black monster of the abyss is real in all it's myths except for the one about Lucifer but we won't get into that other than I'll leave you with the fact that Lucifer means "bringer of Light"* My notion is more readily described by Steiner in chapter 21 of The Theory of Knowledge Implicit in Goethe's World Conception:

"The object must be lifted entirely out of the sphere of chance and transferred into that of necessity. Nothing must remain in the artistically beautiful upon which the artist has not impressed his spirit. The what must be conquered by the how. The overcoming of the sense-perceptible by the spirit is the goal of art and science. Science overcomes the sense perceptible by dissolving it entirely into spirit; art does so by implanting spirit into the sense-perceptible."

💪💫😏💁💥💨

*reference ~ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucifer 

Dear Universe,

I'm tired of always feeling like I'm swimming up stream, against the current,  breaking through locks, and flipping over damns despite the doubters, shit talkers, narcissists, and step climbers all alone while everyone else rides the easy train and then brags but it's not about them. I know I thrive on challenge and beating the odds but I need and want LOVE, loyalty, and support because the challenge alone isn't BIG enough. WE can do better than this! We can do GREAT things. We were meant to live the TEAL TRUE WILL OF THE DIVINE UNIVERSE, which is the #godgoddess #shivashakti I am ready to unite the worlds! Not hide and hibernate waiting on a paycheck that never arrives, and a costume that doesn't show up on time, and no safety net the morning of... Bring me my fucking partner now! It doesn't have to be this hard, it shouldn't be this hard.. or well it should be hard in a very, very good and satisfying way ;) No more sleep deprived stress but sleep deprived bliss. Okay? Thanks. Namaste ~

 .'.Asraiya.'.Ma

This may be the most profound thing I've ever had to say.. thanks

[facebook status update:] "It's coming up on NYE here and I've gotta say if it weren't for all the BS rejection and ostracism I've suffered in my life for all your less than honorable and ethical reasons.. I wouldn't have been forced to rise above all your petty clique shit and move ONWARDS towards the breach and MY REAL TRUE DREAM, oh dear friends.. so Thank you very much, each and every single one of you!! 

Namaste, bitches! :P HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"

 K peace ~

Genius will fulfil its vocation even without concurrence

Alas this middle or 3rd paragraph from the top I do declare is my accepted take away of my lesson dealt to me by Cornelius' A.'.A.'.


Exert taken from https://books.google.com/books?id=vmEVAAAAYAAJ&pg=PP1#v=onepage&q&f=false 

Free Actors Callboard ~ Seattle Casting Calls

We here at Heartsinspyre Entertainment believe that information should be free! While we respect the right of Juan from Performers CALLBOARD to ask for donations for his time, however having been the director of a low budget production before we know how desperate one can be in seeking artists to fill our casting needs. We don't feel that information should come with a fee between the people who seek it and the people it belongs to and to demand starving artists' pay out of pockets only further alienates the elitism between the non-union, non-fiscal, non-profit, non-grant winning, waiting for the final opportunity to bloom or gain experience and learn community at large. This is just another example of greed causing gentrification. So in the true spirit of capitalism a new list has been made to be owned and operated by the community and will remain FREE FOREVER as no one person will have total control keeping it unbiased and neutral and only moderated for spam. Join us now by sending an email to SeattleCastingCalls-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Post Casting Calls to SeattleCastingCalls@yahoogroups.com

Edit your settings on group home page

https://groups.yahoo.com/group/seattlecastingcalls

Once the list begins to grow an email will be sent out seeking Volunteer Moderators and feel free to make suggestion for improvement (positive only, please) to asraiya at gmail.com. 

Igni Natura Renovatur Integra

DEADLINE IS TODAY FOR OUR FUNDRAISER!!! Join us or Help support the arts?

True Love and the one that got away.. the story of my Parents

  I seldom tell this story because it's a rather long story as far as what can typically hold most people's attention involuntary. I save it for the people who randomly happen to know enough about me to be intrigued as to my upbringing. As a Gemini rising, I'm all about dichotomy. I'm very humble, rational, realistic, and grounded yet a total fucking princess spoiled brat who will probably never live up to her fantastical expectations. It's very rare but it happened tonight that a friend asked me about my parents. My parents are not only still married but they have the most romantic fairy tale meant to be love story! It's priceless!! Yet as amazing as it may be it makes me feel cursed.. because I have such an incredible thing to live up to. Especially now me being well past the age my parents were when they had me which was 5 whole years after they married mind you and yet I'm still single. I feel utterly disparaged yet never ungrateful nor undetermined because I know something majestically magical brought me into this world. Despite being born so unreasonably premature I would never have made it without a (incubator or some other) mix of medicine & hyper modern machinery, there's no doubt that the Fates gave their blessing. The story is pretty fucking amazing and will never cease to bring a tear to my eye and a flutter to even the most callous of cold hearts because that is our nature as humans beings to believe all our fantasies will eventually become our reality. Who am I to say nay.. I say, "yea, so mote it be!"

mom and dad dating

  So my mom's high school sweetheart of several years was as many years her senior and upon her graduation from high school he finished college and accepted a job in another state. So for whatever was the reason which was a highly evolved decision they agreed to being able to see other people the first year. My mom took a job as a switch board operator she and a girlfriend interviewed for together in a downtown building in Atlanta with a different company occupying each floor full of young adults eager to explore the possible social prospects to be found in the onsite lunchtime cafeteria. My mom's friend was a butterfly always chatting with anyone willing to receive and talking about her most recent dating experience, offering to set my mother up as soon as she was remotely interested.

I think they're still happy together

  Well my mother had in fact run into this one fair man and had her eyes kept on the lookout for him ever since. She had determined at this point which company or which floor he worked on so she agreed to be set up on a blind date with him. Twice she was horribly disappointed to discover her date of choice was in fact not my dad before she finally managed to get the right man. Instantly smitten they both were and within months dad offered her his fraternity pen (akin to a promise/class ring, or varsity jacket etc). My grandmother and family were concerned about this new development and called her high school sweetheart to warn him. So when Christmas came around he showed up secretly unannounced with a ring and proposed her hand in marriage. So my mom accepted her high school sweetheart and broke my father's heart and moved on to spend years with a suspected womanizer.

still love bugs 45 years later

  5 years later after finding proof of her husband's infidelity she left and moved back to Atlanta and got her own apartment and a new job downtown. Somehow within the first year she came across a Georgia Tech alumni directory from one of my dad's fraternal brothers. Immediately she looked up my father's name and called him at his home in Cincinnati. He told her he was happily married and had a little girl named Cynthia Gail (my mother goes by Gail.. oh and it was the rebound girl he managed to get pregnant so my dad being the most honorable father I've ever known did "the right thing" and married her) Disappointed in that oh so familiar notion that poems and songs were written "give all I've got for just one more shot at the one that got away" my mother gave her blessings and a blessed be.

me with my big sister at Tetons national park

  6 months later.. My father calls and says he and his wife have separated and were getting a divorce and he had a airline ticket for that weekend for her to come visit. They've been together ever since ~ 43 years now! Not a day passes that I will accept nothing less will happen someday for me, unfortunately or thankfully yet remains to be seen. I have faith that none can ever take from me and the heart of a mystic indigo child that bears the promise and a key of days to come with nothing left but peace as we lay our burdens down for love and harmony or death. Whatever may be we will receive, yea, we will receive.

mom, dad, my sister Cindi, her husband Art, and their children plus me, the black sheep... in 2006

shine!

  "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."  ~ Goethe

  Another day, another struggle.. and we wouldn't have it any other way now would we? If we would then it would be but it would be lacking in the fundamental beauty we have grown to perceive as the perseverity and strength we need to be pleased with ourselves and admire in others. So mote it be, you see?