rent rage

  Getting ready to move out of my dream apartment tomorrow to a slightly more affordable one I will be living in with the blessed assistance of my parents (yes, I'm extremely lucky to have financial help). I've lived here at my current residence for 8 years now and I'm sad to leave. In 2004, when I first moved in, rent was $650 a mo. Let's say hypothetical, which is close to the truth as I was waiting tables at the time 5 days a week getting tips but closer to 30 hours than 40.. I was making the Wa state min wage of $7.16 an hour x 40 x 4 = $1146 a mo so rent of $650 was a tiny bit lush but completely doable. My rent has now skyrocketed to a whopping $1450 a mo! So let's say, once again hypothetical, if I were still employed in that same career or min wage range as many of the 99% are I would be making the new 2012 Wa state min wage of $9.04 an hour x 40 x 4 = $1446 a mo or $4 shy of any chance to actually pay my rent. So while my rent has increased a total of $800 a mo in 8 years my salary has only increased by $300 a mo. Now we can add in the rising price of food and gas or bus fares if we'd like to but you see the point.. There's a major problem happening in this country that not only affects the middle class but practically eradicates the lower class into a permanent state of homelessness or death!

Buproprian

Letter to the Washington State Health Care Authority (HCA) who only recognizes five formulations of medications in the treatment of addictions: Suboxone, buprenorphine, Campral, naltrexone and Vivitrol IM.


Dear HCA,

I would like to request or suggest that Buproprian be added to the list of recognized for use in Medication Assisted Treatment of cocaine, methamphetamine (MA), and nicotine addiction. ADATSA (Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Treatment and Support Act) is currently stifled by the fact that patients enrolled have to apply for additional Medical assistance after already waiting a month for their ADATSA assessment and benefits to go into effect because their chemical dependency is considered a behavioral problem. One of the reasons why MA use has escalated to an epidemic of epic proportions is this ill conceived notion that it is only a psychological addiction instead of a physical one. The difference between a psychological and physically addictive substance is the primary organ effected by it's use, heart or brain. Psychological addictions are not overcome by coaching an addict to think differently because the substance does not alter their brains by merely coaxing them to behave badly. MA profoundly alters the chemistry of the brain effecting the whole central nervous system! Just because a person can technically still be alive without brain function opposed to clinically dead if their heart stops which is the risk of ceasing opiate and alcohol intake, does not mean that the person has any less of a problem! If pharmaceuticals can treat or reduce the damage caused to a stimulant user's brain then they should be every bit as available since they suffer an increased debilitation in function if prolonged. Opiate users only confront their fear of a periodic painful discomfort trying to stop opposed to an unaided, involuntary lack of control of their decisions. The brain is complex chemistry, the heart is only a muscle...

Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,
HDeyo

Lastlight

if only I'd known it was my last I'd maybe done something different or at least breathed in the moment more fully...

It's colder than before
The seasons took all they had come for
Now winter dances here
It seems so fitting don't you think?
To dress the ground in white and grey

It's so quiet I can hear
My thoughts touching every second
That I spent waiting for you
Circumstances affords me
No second chance to tell you
How much I've missed you

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass
And please don't ask me why I'm here
Something deeper brought me
Than a need to remember

We were once young and blessed with wings
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar
Still, greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there
These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed as ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

~VNV Nation

how to kill a revolution ~ follow a leader!

 Here's the link: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2011/10/10/this-is-how-you-kill-a-movement

 

My comment #162:
Guys ~ you do realize that the system of having 2-8 official leaders elected to represent everyone in the state is precisely what is FAILING. The problem is that if there's only a few leaders at the top then that's only a few to bribe, blackmail, or otherwise corrupt and the people and their interests are no longer represented even remotely.. I keep hearing similar sentiments like this slogger:

"We are fully on board with the message of the 99%, but not with the people who believe the only valid way to make a decision is by consensus." ~Christopher Frizzelle

  How is that on board with the 99%? Either you, just like the city, are contradicting yourself or we find ourselves in a bit of a paradox. Believe me, I find the GA frustrating and annoying as can be but the fact of the matter is that if there are no leaders then it can't be corrupted, though it can creep and crawl and hardly accomplish anything. However, this movement is about change. Everybody fears change therefore is readily willing to defend their current way of life despite the fact that it's a futile facade..

   The OWS has already succeeded in that it's made us think about new models of governing ourselves! It's made us check our egos as to why we want to be in charge of something! It's made us decide if we agree, or don't agree, or don't care, or are prone to sitting on the fence only to decide according to what our peers think! That's pure and simply [R]evolutionary!

If the people lead then the leaders will follow. As much as I hate it I'm willing to test this theory because I'm sick and tired of following leaders while they follow whoever is the highest bidder... 

"None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe that they are free." ~Goethe

I'm claustrophobic..

..but more of people/energy than of objects or confined spaces. Might need a new word for that phobia now because science is finally starting to prove what I've been saying all along feeling crazy. I'm just a little ahead of the pack involuntarily such as I've had undeniable ESP capabilities since I was 6 yo. Anyway here, watch this!

 

when the fat banker sings.. run for the hills!

Just so we're clear.. Everyone does realize that the money does not exist, right? Never really did even.. It's supposedly legal tender or trade notes, IOU's essentially, for gold and silver bullion which is a pain in the ass to carry around in your purse apparently. Here ~


So this means that all those home loans, car loans, mortgages, and any other kind of "credit" was issued, offered, or loaned out by people who didn't really have anything whatsoever but a buddy who will hook them up with a continuous flow of paper making it seem like they're loaded especially since the big dollar amounts go on money orders and/or cashier's checks. The big secret maneuver of the banking business is the classic 'fake it until you make it'. They stood to gain a tremendous amount in interests to the extent that even future forecast of predicted interest earnings too would be printed on paper and beg/barter/bought/sold for a steal.. or so they thought.
I can't believe I didn't see it or rather it hadn't seeped in yet what this whole Comet Elenin scare & frenzy is really all about. The sky IS falling! Just figuratively more than literally. The economy is truly now on the verge of utter and total collapse!    "The federal agency that oversees the mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac is set to file suits against more than a dozen big banks, accusing them of misrepresenting the quality of mortgage securities they assembled and sold at the height of the housing bubble, and seeking billions of dollars in compensation." ~NY Times http://nyti.ms/pHuffD According to a documentary I watched earlier this evening the value of the dollar would need to decrease by a rate of 98% in order to equal the value of the current federal gold reserves (if they even really exists.. a full inventory count hasn't been done since 1971!) This means that if only 2% of the  cash flow including bank/savings accounts, mutual funds, and stock investments were suddenly cashed in as in WE JUST MARCH INTO OUR LOCAL BANK OF AMERICA AND SAY WE DON'T LIKE THEIR NEW FEE SYSTEM THEY'RE TRYING TO USE TO COMPENSATE FOR THEIR LAWSUITS.. WE WISH TO CLOSE OUR ACCOUNTS AND DO HEREBY DEMAND OUR GOLD BACK!!
that's it... collapse. 

FREEDOM! :D "None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. "  ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

this is life.. not just a photograph

Life is ridiculous! I'm currently stressing out of my mind trying to put together the most inspiring, believable, responsible, and effective application for the funding of an art project while the US government is approximately 2 weeks away from being completely broke... In the meantime I myself, who is also generally broke, am ignoring that fact to the extent of blowing off the few rare opportunities that actually have presented themselves this week to make enough money to comfortably live through this process (beer, cigarettes, food etc.. what? I'm an artist and I'm stressed!).. Why? Because it's a calling! Because I'm a fatalist.. Because it's not about me! Apparently I want to save the world more than I want to live on it.. Why? Because it's not worth living on if none are willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of their fellow man. That is the calling! That is why this art project to me has precedence over everything.. Because I believe it has the power to effect changes so great that it will stir awake a dormant level of the collective consciousness causing an evolutionary leap in the social art experiment, bridging the aspects of ourselves that tend to have a magnetic force field pushing against them. I know this project will make me whole. I know that if I lead a whole life by example others will follow suite. Why? Because I have a dream.. and in a world like this one sometimes a dream is the only thing you have that makes a single lick of sense therefore it is the most sensible gift to give no matter how unrealistic it appears against the background of everything else. Dreams happen for a reason and mine most often really do come true but not from wishing upon a star, but by being one! Every man and woman is a star forever blazing a path to eternity.. even when a brick fucking wall has been built in the center of it, just got lay it down. When there's nothing left at hand, still got to lay it down. Will you then get the funding for your art project? I don't know, I think I need to lay down and nap... but I'm not tired! I'm not dead yet! The time is at hand!

Just Sage

Btw for more info on my play/art project stay tuned to the feed at http://greensnakebeaulily.blogspot.com or LIKE https://www.facebook.com/pages/Green-Snake-Beautiful-Lily/155197867883376  Namaste. Blessed be. So mote we be, free... LUX OM PAX 93 93/93

my short report forecast from astro.com

Jupiter opposition Uranus: A need for newness
Beginning of July 2011 until beginning of March 2012: This influence signifies a desire to release yourself from restrictions and obligations that you feel have limited your life unnecessarily. Often it coincides with a sudden break from some limiting circumstance, such as a person, a job or simply a way of life. This need for newness in your life and for something different from the daily routine is a powerful force, and it will be very difficult to continue as you have. You will feel the breaking away itself as an enormous relief, a lessening of tension. For this reason you must review your life very carefully to find out what needs to be overthrown and what does not. The danger is that you will overthrow worthwhile things along with the useless. Be careful of this, because it could substantially vitiate any advantage you gain from your new freedom. Relationships are especially affected by this influence, particularly those that obligate you in some way. A partnership, either marital or business, may be quite difficult to maintain during this time. And to add to the confusion, it is sometimes your partner who wants out. This is an example of an influence experienced in projected form; instead of putting out the energy yourself, you encounter someone who is apparently doing it for you. In this case, do not attempt to hold on to the other person, for that is the surest way to drive him away. Give your partner all the freedom he needs, for you need it, too, although you are not as aware of it. A related expression of this influence is encountering a person who seeks in some way to liberate you from yourself or from some duty that you have voluntarily taken on. You may find such a person irritating, but he or she is performing a valuable function in your life. Again, the roles may be reversed, and you may set out to change someone else's life. The point is that this is a valuable influence, even though it may be somewhat disruptive. It can prevent your life from becoming so static and stabilized that you cease to be truly alive.  

Saturn opposition Jupiter: Crab walk 15 October 2011 until 31 October 2011: During this time, your opportunities for growth and expansion in life are limited. You may feel that you are moving sideways, if not actually going in reverse. There may be financial problems, especially if you have overextended yourself in the recent past. Another effect of this influence is restlessness and impatience with restrictions imposed upon you. This period requires patience, but unfortunately yours seems to be almost exhausted. This is a period of readjustment after a period of possibly too-rapid expansion. Certainly it is necessary to examine your recent past to make sure that you have acted according to what you really want to do and really ought to do. This influence can have the effect of getting you back into a path that you have wandered away from. Do not be discouraged by any recent setbacks. Quite likely they were for the best, as you will probably see in a little while. Make things more secure and more stable, but do not start any new projects now. If your expectations are overly optimistic, you may be disappointed, but at least the reasons will become clear. You will see what aspect of reality has interfered with your ideals, and in the future you will be able to take this into account. Also at this time personal relationships may go through a period of trial. You often feel as if your personal freedom is unduly limited by others. Separations sometimes come about because you feel that that is the only way to achieve freedom. And, in fact, you are usually better off after a separation that occurs during this time. This is a time of cutting back and finding a more stable form for your life. It is not a time of growth and expansion. In fact, too much expansion in the past may be the reason for what is happening now. In the future you will have to make plans on a more solid basis so that changes in your life and pressure from circumstances and people cannot interfere so much. This influence is a useful, if not always pleasant, encounter with reality.  

Saturn square Venus: A sense of tension End of October 2011 until end of July 2012: This is a time of considerable tension and difficulty in your relationships. Love relationships often cool off and may even break up altogether during this time. You may discover that a love affair wasn't what you thought it was, a rude awakening after a period of lovely illusions. Or you may suddenly lose interest in a relationship that had seemed perfectly viable up until now. Of course, the other person may be the one who leaves you. Aside from love relationships, there is a sense of tension and a feeling that it is somehow more difficult to relate to people. You may feel that any sort of relationship exists at the cost of your freedom and sense of individuality. Relationships seem to be more trouble than they are worth. Another effect of this influence may be that "circumstances beyond your control" seem to get in the way of an existing relationship and force it to break up, even though neither of you wants this to happen. But this is almost never what is really happening. Usually one of you has a conscious or unconscious need to withdraw from the relationship, and you subtly maneuver circumstances to make it break up. Or you may be testing the relationship to see how much it can take. A good one will survive and be stronger. Every relationship must be an honest expression of yourself. But we often get into relationships that have little to do with our true selves, usually because of fear, a need for security, or a sense of personal inadequacy. Relationships sometimes simply outlive their time, and these are the ones that will suffer and perhaps die now. They are at cross purposes to your pursuit of life and self-expression. Loneliness is a problem at this time, because your need for relationships and your need to be yourself are equally great. Instead of working harmoniously, as they should, they are in conflict. But consciously or unconsciously, the need to be yourself is the greater at this time.
 
Saturn square Saturn: Soul-searching Mid December 2011 until end of September 2012: This is a critical period in which several aspects of your life and experience will be tested, especially those that began to be important about seven years ago. Most often this influence is experienced as a sort of identity crisis in which you begin to question what you are doing. You may suffer a crisis of confidence at this time, fearing that you have made the wrong moves in life or committed yourself to some course of action that will not be good in the long run. During this period you will think about and question all the long-term trends in your life. You will not be thinking about trivial matters. Sometimes a particular event triggers off this period of soul-searching. Others may create difficulties for you, especially in your business or professional area. Perhaps they detect the first signs of insecurity that will afflict you during this period. If they are people who naturally compete with you, they may try to take advantage of your apparent weakness. Employers and other superiors may also sense your feelings of insecurity and wonder whether you are the right person for the job you are doing. You must recognize that some aspects of your life need to be questioned at this time. But don't stand in one spot quivering about your life. Examine it and make whatever changes are possible and seem appropriate. Any project you started seven years ago or any new aspect of yourself that first surfaced then that is truly worth continuing will still be worthwhile after this period. This is a time of testing, and anything that withstands the test will be better for it. Things that do not pass the test are well got rid of. Shortly you will enter a period of stability and fruitfulness that will justify the events that take place now. In fact, if you are truly conscious of your life and your objectives, you will not undergo a real crisis at all. You will only go through a period of examining what is working and what is not. Your difficulties with the outer world at this time are signals about what you should be doing.

transiting Saturn conjunct natal Pluto

In a word: Terrifying!

"To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning of terror, to learn irrefutably that you are mortal is to know the end of terror." -Frank Herbert

So I can honestly say that I've never been afraid before, at least not before this past weekend. I've studied martial arts. I know how to carry myself. I've lived in more than a few "bad" neighborhoods in my day and although I've certainly felt kinda "sketch" before on more than one occasion I've NEVER BEEN AFRAID! I was somehow armored by my life's purpose or something to that extent.. I've always known it just wasn't my time yet. Period. If it doesn't kill you it will only make you stronger.. so bring it on! Nothing I can't take, right? Well this past Saturday night for the first time in my life I suddenly felt as vulnerable as the runt in a herd of gazelle being stalked by a mountain lion.

I was walking by myself, alone, in heels, all dressed up on my way to Merc to dance just like I have hundreds of times before.. when crossing the street, in heels, I sped up to make the light on time and blow off the guys hootin n hollering at me in a car and I hyper-extended my knee, debilitating me instantly. I played it off halfway down the block but realized then that I was fucked. I immediately sought out a place to get off of it hanging left into the courtyard of the old BofA building on Broadway. I texted JJ to come get me, told him to drive around the back of the building and pick me up in the parking lot.. there I stood in the dark, alone, and defenseless. Suddenly I felt like I was dressed like an hooker on Aurora and radiating "stupid cracked out whore" or "dumb drunk bimbo" like a a neon sign was above my head. Usually even if I am dressed in such a fashion that one could possibly be mistaken.. I'd snicker at the notion knowing anyone who dared judge me as such would soon find himself horribly mistaken! But not then, I was a sitting duck, prime prey for the taking with a beacon calling 'em forth. Utterly Horrifying!!

Luckily JJ was quick but I don't know if I'll ever be quite the same ever since. My knee is still healing and I'm forced to capitalize on other talents than what my legs provide as a stable existence. Sure, I'm creative but when left with nothing but a poker face between me and death I assume I'm as good as dead. Guess I better work on that one. Cards anyone? One-eyed Jack's and.. uh.. deuces wild? Fucked...

meh ma support group.. rant

Reading this woman's blog about clinical depression just reaffirmed for me what I've been thinking after my first group meeting thing I attended called Smart Recovery.. First of all do you know how much speed I had to do just to get up the nerve to go admit to a group of strangers that I'm high on meth? It's ridiculous! Total fucking anxiety death trap.. but I lived. Thing is though, I'm not going to make it in this model either (opposed to AA/12 step/disease model) because the conditions and situation of being chemically dependent on MA is so completely different than any other substance that to be in anything but a substance specific program for at the very least stimulant users is possibly more damaging than good. I tend to agree with the disease model in that I've come to understand and accept that this IS something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, that I AM an addict and notion that I can overcome it alone by way of pure cognitive rationalization is wrong. It's not that any such skills an attempts are futile, it's just that it requires a whole arsenal of methods, resources, support, and medical supervision to get to the source of where the deep undercover covert operative is embedded because most likely it's hijacked and/or converted a good portion of your weapons against you! The biggest misunderstanding or misperception about substance abuse is that the physically addictive substances are more dangerous than the psychological ones. That tidbit of information, the fact that MA is "only" psychologically addictive is precisely the reason why I didn't put a stop to it at the 2-3 mo. mark because then I wasn't as much of a head case as I am now! I had a list of "just say no" substances but everything else was worth testing a time or two just for enhancing my experience with alter levels of consciousness. MA didn't make that list when in fact it should have been the only one on it! Now I'm being told that since it's not a physical addiction (meaning my body will literally not function properly for a bit while I'm  confronted with cravings) then it should be easier to convince yourself to keep away from it.. I WISH I COULD REASONABLY AND RATIONALLY COMPREHEND JUST HOW SICK I AM. There are way worse things to have to contend with than the pain of recovering from a physical crisis! A psychological crisis is far more terrifying because you can't tell if or when nor how long it's been or how much longer it will take to heal. I am physically strong as a mama bear but equally as vulnerable and dangerous.. What's going on here in the mythological medical faux pas is that drugs like opiates & alcohol affect certain involuntary organs in the body and change the way they function the result of which is a motor skills reactionary impairment. When sustained over a certain time period sudden changes in the environment could cause them to malfunction or even fail and yes, it's a very real, valid risk but when not an extremely high tolerance situation still it's just a physical urge or craving. Supposedly what separates us humans from animals is our ability to not give in to these primal urges in order to refine ourselves from our experiences and attain to what we call civilized. Yes, you can keep yourself from not panting when appropriate and keep your sweating to a minimum. Alcohol DT's are your heart pounds like you jogged a little stretch and proceeds to continue somewhat even though you're sitting down and no longer need extra oxygen for your limbs so they start to tremble as if collecting static.. embarrassing and frightening if you don't know why or what's causing it but about the only psychological effect is that your brain didn't bother producing melatonin because you didn't need it to trigger sleep, you passed out fine by yourself.. but the good news is that you can easily replace it with an OTC supplement until your brain gets back from vacation.

Stimulants on the other hand have a lesser effect on these organs although it does indeed stimulate your heart just the opposite of narcotics (which is why we tweakers are experts on this whole self medication regimen..) and your metabolism etc. but the number one ORGAN in your PHYSICAL BODY it has a PROFOUND effect upon is YOUR BRAIN. What's the 2 organs that you can't live without/where do you shoot if you aim to kill? That's what they call a "psychological" addiction!! Oh your brain is just rapidly deteriorating and the longer you have used the substance the less it can function without it.. but it's just YOUR HEAD?!?! Well at least you can still control your penis because if you peed in your pants that would be uncomfortable being all, you know, wet... (tweaker falls into a sudden anxiety attack at the mere notion of having to be around someone who'd so obviously be utterly humiliated and they need to take another hit so they can figure out how they would hypothetically handle it intelligently and rational and sympathetic but without actually imagining how they would feel if it were them because the trauma would be incapacitating.. (See the tweaker suffers from an exceptional empathic sense of self a pertains to others and a complete collapse of self confidence because of their psychological crutch to make up for it..) Summoning the courage to confess your weakness when in the midst of a crisis is cause enough for crisis in its own accord. Tell a person that they need or really should "get some help" is cold calculated cruelty to them because they're in a crisis, of course they need fucking help! Are you all out of compassion? Can't you even be considerate then and not rub it in that I need help and you don't because you're too good to be hurt which makes you too good to give me some help. My god, I sympathize with every single nuance of despair hidden or otherwise hinted at of yours trying to show you that I care and offer you unconditional human uh connection.. (despite the horror) I would PHYSICALLY literally walk to the ends of the earth, with no sleep, just a bag of speed, ceaselessly to help you!!? I can't believe you don't understand how hurt I am? Here, some hurt for you so eventually you'll connect on some level and treat me like a human.. puppies get treated better because they're cuter than I am... Just shoot me! *whimper *whimper *grabs purse heads to bathroom  *****reappears unaffected or ~quick change~ *recovers by going from victim to retaliatory abuser as defense mechanism all with the assumption that you get that it's a dose of your own medicine even though you thought you were being sincere but you can't understand a soul in torment because it is seriously sabotaged by a physical flooded carburetor, failed ignition, and they're outta oil trying to just give it some gas ~ it will fire up, always does! This is what a psychological addiction does. Heartbeat regulated, wipers on, go! vrooom...? oops ~ emergency brake heheh.. snap out of it! it's all in your head!

wtf? guess I'm crazy.. awesome I'll just add that to my to do list and GET IT FIXED soon as find me some HELP but what's the use? nobody can help because no one cares for a junkyard cat...

*note this was actually written on or around 1/5/2012 but I buried it in my archives, hiding it from general view, post dated the post a few years so it won't appear on the front page/home but is publicly published and accessible for anyone researching the topic of meth addiction, treatment. I will help in any way I can by sharing my experience etc!