how to quickly get to know your date

This is going to sound pretty terrible to even suggest, but the best way to really get to know someone you're dating, and cut to the chase without having to go through months of politely getting to know them... 

..is to (accidentally) stand them up! 

Seriously, all the shit flies out in an instant! IF they handle it without losing their cool, AND they're willing to forgive you, you have got one good prospect on your hands and you should consider them a keeper. 

BUT if they behave as mine did who I did not actually intend to stand up and honestly thought had either not received my rendezvous instructions yet or was blowing me off.. but I care not to explain how his assumptions were incorrect (to him) because I realized by him absolutely jumping to conclusions and FREAKING OUT about it, he is not emotionally mature enough to date plus he apparently was dumped 2 days ago though we'd been talking to each other for over a week..? I'm not even sure how else to take his pity party over texting that's still continuing as we speak the day after other than "ba-bye"

Tinder is for starting a FIRE

Woah! A guy tried to confront me about my beef with kids saying I don't understand because once you have one they become you're everything... I said:

  I know. Maybe I want to be my partner's everything? I just had 2 really bad experiences with daddy's little princess and swore I would never do it again unless they're teenagers or young adults now and are already independent so I can be myself instead of a "role model". I'm down to be the cool aunt that takes them shopping at hot topics, provides the birth control and maybe a wine cooler but I'm really leery of the psycho ex who will never quite relinquish they're power over a man to manipulate him to do their bidding and remind me I will always be 3rd, 4th, or 5th on his list of priorities. I know that sounds selfish but I've seen way too many sad psycho dramas and I'm committed to living life to the fullest in the here and now and I'm not done yet! I live like there will be no tomorrow because there really actually might be no tomorrow! I can't pretend that society is good and healthy, that once you're 16 you get too get to drive an automobile, and if you get good grades and go to college you can continue to drive automobiles and make payments on a mortgage... That's not reality! That's as make believe as Barney. So I don't know what to say to kids but I'm sorry.. I'm sorry you don't stand a chance unless EVERYTHING changes immediately and I'm sorry no one will tell you this until it's far too late for you to do anything about it and by then you'll be just as addicted to consumerism as I am and you too will try to pretend you're not angry and everything is will be fine if you just find a mate and breed your own family and feed them Disney and forget about any other responsibility because they are you're everything....

Oops. Think that's enough tinder for one day. 

Signed

~ the bitter crazy cat lady

so let it burn!

OK Stupid

I utterly can't can't believe I'm doing this shit again... Online dating! Wtf. Took a stab at this new one I saw on the news because it kinda made sense. I somehow accidentally bumped open an email in my junk box and reopened my OK Stupid account and immediately got the flood of "Hey how you doing this evening.." messages. After dabbling around without a little it all came back to me pretty quick my experience with it oh about 4-5 years ago! Users fill out a long ass series of political, moral, and situational multiple choice questions and then choose how their "ideal partner" would answer and then rate how important it is for them to respond that way supposedly creating a match percentage, as well as friendship, and enemy likelihood where the deal breakers may lay. It's a sophisticated algorithm that in theory should work great. But then I look back on the most fulfilling, dynamic, and passionate loves of my life and realize none of them would have scored any higher than a 70% match nor less than a 10% enemy with me because it wasn't our identical views of the world that gave us chemistry. It was our differences combined with shear raw physical attraction that made it interesting! OK Cupid was/is brilliant at finding me carbon copy thinkers as me who make excellent cathartic pen pals that unfortunately gets my hopes up that I've magically found someone spectacularly special amongst this sea of coded monotony. Then it all builds up to the big first face to face meet up or "date" that instantly deflates within the first 3 min (or 3 sec) when I realize despite all romantic intentions I'm simply not attracted to them. I have particular taste! At which point I either part ways with a disappointed puppy or manage to make a really decent friend. I've noticed it's the ones who usually manage to string along a conversation somehow long enough to suggest having a fuck it why not beer that I end up being more likely to find attractive enough to at least get laid before parting ways. The truth of the matter is regardless how we may deem it shallow you just can't substitute substance for sexual chemistry.

So this other app thing goes for the absolute opposite approach and users start out with selecting one to six of their Facebook images and without having the obligation to read those awkward unrealistic bios make snap decisions based on first impression appearances whether to pass or take and mutual acceptances then make you a "match" where you're then almost instantly prompted to try and strike up an IM style conversation with what extremely limited observational info you could ascertain. Yay! The site seems to attract nothing but baseball cap wearing, cheap beer swilling, jocko frat boy types mixed with the occasional geeky granola glasses wearing Seattle bearded hipster boy that always seem to carry little excess weight hanging over the waist of their khaki shorts. Not my type even remotely! No matter how much I might be entralled with someone's brain I am purely only attracted to the tall dark and handsome cliche with the added preference of tall, *thin* and handsome with *long* dark hair. Can't help it. It is what it is. The of course I lean toward the artistical musician type in black with black boots WAY more than the baseball cap, shorts, jerseys, and tennis shoes or hiking boots variety. Men who wear sandals is a deal breaker for me. Boots, barefoot, or go home! I'm ashamed to say...

So big strike out on the online dating scene except for running into online who I've had eyes on which perhaps will serve as a wake up call that we've been looking for what's already been there.. But likely it will take a whole lot more of horrible mistakes and experiences before we concede that way. Fml