Dear Universe,

I'm tired of always feeling like I'm swimming up stream, against the current,  breaking through locks, and flipping over damns despite the doubters, shit talkers, narcissists, and step climbers all alone while everyone else rides the easy train and then brags but it's not about them. I know I thrive on challenge and beating the odds but I need and want LOVE, loyalty, and support because the challenge alone isn't BIG enough. WE can do better than this! We can do GREAT things. We were meant to live the TEAL TRUE WILL OF THE DIVINE UNIVERSE, which is the #godgoddess #shivashakti I am ready to unite the worlds! Not hide and hibernate waiting on a paycheck that never arrives, and a costume that doesn't show up on time, and no safety net the morning of... Bring me my fucking partner now! It doesn't have to be this hard, it shouldn't be this hard.. or well it should be hard in a very, very good and satisfying way ;) No more sleep deprived stress but sleep deprived bliss. Okay? Thanks. Namaste ~

 .'.Asraiya.'.Ma

a letter for an ex and his newest "love"

Hey Jeremiah ~

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO SPEND MORE THAN 2 MO AT A TIME OF EVERY 2 YEARS OF YOUR ENTIRE ADULT LIFE ACTUALLY SINGLE AND ALONE GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF and maybe discover why can't stay with a woman for more than 2 years or at the very least confront and admit you have a problem with this ridiculously redundant pattern?! 

Jeremiah and Medea approx. 2 mo after he broke up with Brittany, they're in love. 

You might actually grow up in that time and learn to be honest with yourself so that you quit telling those hurtful lies that betray the trust of the people who open themselves up to be utterly annihilated by your immature role playing game of replicating your father instead of healing those wounds and transcending them. 

JJ and Brittany (left: approx. 2 mo after he broke up with me swearing he was going to stay single for a year... right: a year later around approx. their 1 year anniversary)

"If I live till I'm 102 just don't think I'll ever get over you..."

Me and Jeremiah (bottom 2: approx. 2 mo after he broke up with Amber.. on the L: the day we met when he told me he just got out of a relationship and was going to remain single for a year... Top L: our 1 year anniversary dinner celebration precisely a year to the day later..)

You're a destroyer of lives! I'm still not alright! Now you're dating a woman with a child, are you serious?! You're not. Tell her you're not. Tell her what you told me near the end, that you don't think you'll ever be married. That you habitually change women every 2 years like clockwork... Switch! 1-2 switch! That when you say "I unequivocally and irrevocably am in love you!" you lie! That contract will be revoked undubitously in 2 years ~ Medea,

Mark my words.. if ever there was a guarantee based on history it is this. Don't believe me cuz I'm just a psycho drug addled ex? Ask Rachel! She tried to warn me about it because I just like you thought he was my forever live happily ever after... See what comes next?

JJ and Amber 

There was a photo on her FB of the two of them that looked like a wedding photo but I don't remember her last name and this is surely enough creepy stalking/ psycho ex crap for one day... not to imply I do it often and/or intend to do it again! Seriously I'm not a total masochist. FB just placed you first in my "people you might know" and there I discovered merely maybe 3 months if even after I heard him and B split is someone pronouncing him "her love" and happiness. Who the fuck falls head over heels in love in less than 2 mo after being in love with someone else for 2 years? Have you ever been completely in love and then again almost immediately without at least 6 or so months to grieve, find yourself again, then meet somebody but insist you take it slowly?! What's the odds that someone could have such unbelievable luck in love??? Something's not right. I was left devastated and checked myself into rehab to prevent committing suicide. 6 months after I got out I started sorta seeing a rebound guy but he was rebounding too so we casually dated (only spent one night a weekend on average together) for 8 months and never uttered the ILY. After that about 1.5 yr clean when I realized it wasn't going to get any better, that I was still not over J, I relapsed...

"In the tapestry of fate each thread comes to an end." The Demoness returns to accept her fate except she is cursed, there is no redemption for her. No wings, no love, only acceptance and maybe peace after the decline of humanity.. Hope it's comforting. 

I'm trying to heal. I've been horribly damaged by him and haven't had a good healthy relationship since and I don't honestly know if I ever will trust and completely open my heart up to be in love ever again. He destroyed that. He was my one true love, I was just a Demoness he needed to fulfill his own selfish dream. He promised me that after I helped him launch AE he would help me with my play. Then we did AE again, and again, and again, and when I finally said "that's it! my turn now?" he was finished.

Protect your kid. He will never play house with you and be a family unit. His family is AraKus and despite all of his friends being married now, it will never happen! Don't delude yourself! Stand guard of your heart and most especially your child. Mine died (cat) 2 weeks after he left on xmas eve. Great punctuation to my tragedy, eh? I'll never understand why that had to happen that way. It was a symbolic death of my spirit and it's yet to be reborn fully transcended yet. Perhaps if I reach through to you and stop the pattern, prevent you from becoming so broken, maybe then I can finally let it go? I don't know, I don't know.... Blessed be. 

Let go ~

If it's not a safe, warm, cozy bubble, step out of it. Now. Embrace wanderlust!

What have you got to lose? Nothing.

What's there to gain? Inspiration. Wonder. Trust that yourself is enough. Experience it.

True Love and the one that got away.. the story of my Parents

  I seldom tell this story because it's a rather long story as far as what can typically hold most people's attention involuntary. I save it for the people who randomly happen to know enough about me to be intrigued as to my upbringing. As a Gemini rising, I'm all about dichotomy. I'm very humble, rational, realistic, and grounded yet a total fucking princess spoiled brat who will probably never live up to her fantastical expectations. It's very rare but it happened tonight that a friend asked me about my parents. My parents are not only still married but they have the most romantic fairy tale meant to be love story! It's priceless!! Yet as amazing as it may be it makes me feel cursed.. because I have such an incredible thing to live up to. Especially now me being well past the age my parents were when they had me which was 5 whole years after they married mind you and yet I'm still single. I feel utterly disparaged yet never ungrateful nor undetermined because I know something majestically magical brought me into this world. Despite being born so unreasonably premature I would never have made it without a (incubator or some other) mix of medicine & hyper modern machinery, there's no doubt that the Fates gave their blessing. The story is pretty fucking amazing and will never cease to bring a tear to my eye and a flutter to even the most callous of cold hearts because that is our nature as humans beings to believe all our fantasies will eventually become our reality. Who am I to say nay.. I say, "yea, so mote it be!"

mom and dad dating

  So my mom's high school sweetheart of several years was as many years her senior and upon her graduation from high school he finished college and accepted a job in another state. So for whatever was the reason which was a highly evolved decision they agreed to being able to see other people the first year. My mom took a job as a switch board operator she and a girlfriend interviewed for together in a downtown building in Atlanta with a different company occupying each floor full of young adults eager to explore the possible social prospects to be found in the onsite lunchtime cafeteria. My mom's friend was a butterfly always chatting with anyone willing to receive and talking about her most recent dating experience, offering to set my mother up as soon as she was remotely interested.

I think they're still happy together

  Well my mother had in fact run into this one fair man and had her eyes kept on the lookout for him ever since. She had determined at this point which company or which floor he worked on so she agreed to be set up on a blind date with him. Twice she was horribly disappointed to discover her date of choice was in fact not my dad before she finally managed to get the right man. Instantly smitten they both were and within months dad offered her his fraternity pen (akin to a promise/class ring, or varsity jacket etc). My grandmother and family were concerned about this new development and called her high school sweetheart to warn him. So when Christmas came around he showed up secretly unannounced with a ring and proposed her hand in marriage. So my mom accepted her high school sweetheart and broke my father's heart and moved on to spend years with a suspected womanizer.

still love bugs 45 years later

  5 years later after finding proof of her husband's infidelity she left and moved back to Atlanta and got her own apartment and a new job downtown. Somehow within the first year she came across a Georgia Tech alumni directory from one of my dad's fraternal brothers. Immediately she looked up my father's name and called him at his home in Cincinnati. He told her he was happily married and had a little girl named Cynthia Gail (my mother goes by Gail.. oh and it was the rebound girl he managed to get pregnant so my dad being the most honorable father I've ever known did "the right thing" and married her) Disappointed in that oh so familiar notion that poems and songs were written "give all I've got for just one more shot at the one that got away" my mother gave her blessings and a blessed be.

me with my big sister at Tetons national park

  6 months later.. My father calls and says he and his wife have separated and were getting a divorce and he had a airline ticket for that weekend for her to come visit. They've been together ever since ~ 43 years now! Not a day passes that I will accept nothing less will happen someday for me, unfortunately or thankfully yet remains to be seen. I have faith that none can ever take from me and the heart of a mystic indigo child that bears the promise and a key of days to come with nothing left but peace as we lay our burdens down for love and harmony or death. Whatever may be we will receive, yea, we will receive.

mom, dad, my sister Cindi, her husband Art, and their children plus me, the black sheep... in 2006

DREAM: the other woman

Damnit! Why do I keep dreaming about Jxxx & Bxx? It's like the 3rd time this week! Why does it keep happening?

It's usually just me hanging out with them in a large group setting but kinda forcibly like we're all sleeping on the floor of their bedroom.. Jx is always really nice like we're good friends and Bxx is always weird and caddy about it.

There's always a bed, that's one of the consistent dream symbols. There's always a conversation with them in bed but they're lying on opposite ends of like a queen size bed as if they don't want to make me uncomfortable by being close together and that could be understandably why she's annoyed. I would be too! But why do I keep dreaming this?? Is it just some sorta unconscious need to feel or know that my connection with him is different and unique from what they share? I know that already! I don't know need to have it acted out on the dreambox sound soap stage to know that! I am gaining some satisfaction from seeing her annoyed and feeling slightly threatened by me, she did hit on him and flirted with him right in front of me! But it's making me really annoyed and uncomfortable! I feel like I need to apologize for the intrusion. I want nothing to do with them and their lives! I am perfectly content with only getting the absolute vaguest and extremely occasional news report which consist of nothing more than they're still together, he still lives in Mxxx, she still lives on Cxx, he still works in Seattle. Yesterday his brother informed me (me as well as all his FB friends) that he switched xx clinics to one in Gxxx or lake somewhere around there. That tidbit of info shouldn't trigger an intimate dream conversation, right? They're so real too and I feel like this setting is being forced on me too although in the dream I effectively play the aggressor ~ cool, calm, and confident, like I'm actively trying to make waves in their relationship but the truth is I don't want to be there and I'm torn apart on the inside. I'm just trying to do my best to handle the situation with dignity and the wedge that's lodged is all Bxx. She could have easily gone on the offense and clung to him and made me a pithy wreck where I couldn't even look nor speak to him.

Is this practice for some reason? Am I going to be forced to be a part of their lives again? Or is this just Venus in retrograde plus conjunct my natal Venus stuff? (plus Merc, Sun, Pluto all conjunct or nearly conjunct the same aspect in Capricorn which is my 8th house..) Of course the astrology is influencing it but that fact still doesn't tell me why is it playing out in this particular way for me nor is this a premonition like nearly all my realistic dreams (combined w/symbolism though never straight envisioned as will happen precisely) OR unconscious healing and processing or revenge like XX said? 

I don't get it. I'm sick of it! I want answers now. Angel send me insight! Please and thank you for your presence... Om

the wretched

asraiya & spooky robert at mercury

   The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. 

       ~ Ernest Hemingway

sweet Crowley, rest in peace, baby kitty

Alice Rose Crowley

10/3/2007 ~ 12/24/2011

It twas the nightmare before Christmas when my boyfriend broke up with me leaving me alone with nothing but my sweet kitty. Then all of a sudden she began acting strange and lo and behold she had a tumor or some sort of growth on her head we suspect was pressing on her brain causing her nervous system to begin to fail and she lost use of her front two limbs.. Sad! So on xmas eve the ex had to bring she and me to the cat hospital to put her to sleep. Please, let her rest in peace and please let the rest of this dreary holiday not be any more traumatizing. Please?

on xmas eve <3

 

fault line

Never let someone be your everything because then you will be left with nothing...

meh ma support group.. rant

Reading this woman's blog about clinical depression just reaffirmed for me what I've been thinking after my first group meeting thing I attended called Smart Recovery.. First of all do you know how much speed I had to do just to get up the nerve to go admit to a group of strangers that I'm high on meth? It's ridiculous! Total fucking anxiety death trap.. but I lived. Thing is though, I'm not going to make it in this model either (opposed to AA/12 step/disease model) because the conditions and situation of being chemically dependent on MA is so completely different than any other substance that to be in anything but a substance specific program for at the very least stimulant users is possibly more damaging than good. I tend to agree with the disease model in that I've come to understand and accept that this IS something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, that I AM an addict and notion that I can overcome it alone by way of pure cognitive rationalization is wrong. It's not that any such skills an attempts are futile, it's just that it requires a whole arsenal of methods, resources, support, and medical supervision to get to the source of where the deep undercover covert operative is embedded because most likely it's hijacked and/or converted a good portion of your weapons against you! The biggest misunderstanding or misperception about substance abuse is that the physically addictive substances are more dangerous than the psychological ones. That tidbit of information, the fact that MA is "only" psychologically addictive is precisely the reason why I didn't put a stop to it at the 2-3 mo. mark because then I wasn't as much of a head case as I am now! I had a list of "just say no" substances but everything else was worth testing a time or two just for enhancing my experience with alter levels of consciousness. MA didn't make that list when in fact it should have been the only one on it! Now I'm being told that since it's not a physical addiction (meaning my body will literally not function properly for a bit while I'm  confronted with cravings) then it should be easier to convince yourself to keep away from it.. I WISH I COULD REASONABLY AND RATIONALLY COMPREHEND JUST HOW SICK I AM. There are way worse things to have to contend with than the pain of recovering from a physical crisis! A psychological crisis is far more terrifying because you can't tell if or when nor how long it's been or how much longer it will take to heal. I am physically strong as a mama bear but equally as vulnerable and dangerous.. What's going on here in the mythological medical faux pas is that drugs like opiates & alcohol affect certain involuntary organs in the body and change the way they function the result of which is a motor skills reactionary impairment. When sustained over a certain time period sudden changes in the environment could cause them to malfunction or even fail and yes, it's a very real, valid risk but when not an extremely high tolerance situation still it's just a physical urge or craving. Supposedly what separates us humans from animals is our ability to not give in to these primal urges in order to refine ourselves from our experiences and attain to what we call civilized. Yes, you can keep yourself from not panting when appropriate and keep your sweating to a minimum. Alcohol DT's are your heart pounds like you jogged a little stretch and proceeds to continue somewhat even though you're sitting down and no longer need extra oxygen for your limbs so they start to tremble as if collecting static.. embarrassing and frightening if you don't know why or what's causing it but about the only psychological effect is that your brain didn't bother producing melatonin because you didn't need it to trigger sleep, you passed out fine by yourself.. but the good news is that you can easily replace it with an OTC supplement until your brain gets back from vacation.

Stimulants on the other hand have a lesser effect on these organs although it does indeed stimulate your heart just the opposite of narcotics (which is why we tweakers are experts on this whole self medication regimen..) and your metabolism etc. but the number one ORGAN in your PHYSICAL BODY it has a PROFOUND effect upon is YOUR BRAIN. What's the 2 organs that you can't live without/where do you shoot if you aim to kill? That's what they call a "psychological" addiction!! Oh your brain is just rapidly deteriorating and the longer you have used the substance the less it can function without it.. but it's just YOUR HEAD?!?! Well at least you can still control your penis because if you peed in your pants that would be uncomfortable being all, you know, wet... (tweaker falls into a sudden anxiety attack at the mere notion of having to be around someone who'd so obviously be utterly humiliated and they need to take another hit so they can figure out how they would hypothetically handle it intelligently and rational and sympathetic but without actually imagining how they would feel if it were them because the trauma would be incapacitating.. (See the tweaker suffers from an exceptional empathic sense of self a pertains to others and a complete collapse of self confidence because of their psychological crutch to make up for it..) Summoning the courage to confess your weakness when in the midst of a crisis is cause enough for crisis in its own accord. Tell a person that they need or really should "get some help" is cold calculated cruelty to them because they're in a crisis, of course they need fucking help! Are you all out of compassion? Can't you even be considerate then and not rub it in that I need help and you don't because you're too good to be hurt which makes you too good to give me some help. My god, I sympathize with every single nuance of despair hidden or otherwise hinted at of yours trying to show you that I care and offer you unconditional human uh connection.. (despite the horror) I would PHYSICALLY literally walk to the ends of the earth, with no sleep, just a bag of speed, ceaselessly to help you!!? I can't believe you don't understand how hurt I am? Here, some hurt for you so eventually you'll connect on some level and treat me like a human.. puppies get treated better because they're cuter than I am... Just shoot me! *whimper *whimper *grabs purse heads to bathroom  *****reappears unaffected or ~quick change~ *recovers by going from victim to retaliatory abuser as defense mechanism all with the assumption that you get that it's a dose of your own medicine even though you thought you were being sincere but you can't understand a soul in torment because it is seriously sabotaged by a physical flooded carburetor, failed ignition, and they're outta oil trying to just give it some gas ~ it will fire up, always does! This is what a psychological addiction does. Heartbeat regulated, wipers on, go! vrooom...? oops ~ emergency brake heheh.. snap out of it! it's all in your head!

wtf? guess I'm crazy.. awesome I'll just add that to my to do list and GET IT FIXED soon as find me some HELP but what's the use? nobody can help because no one cares for a junkyard cat...

*note this was actually written on or around 1/5/2012 but I buried it in my archives, hiding it from general view, post dated the post a few years so it won't appear on the front page/home but is publicly published and accessible for anyone researching the topic of meth addiction, treatment. I will help in any way I can by sharing my experience etc!