At last.. Victory means Validation!

I had an appointment today with the clinical psychologist who serves as the director of Harborview Mental Health & Recovery Services. He said yes, approximately 1 in 50 are in fact considered good candidates for self medicating ADD diagnosis instead of considered meth addicts. Having no criminal record nor history of emergency room visits due to overdosing, the fact I'm 42 with all my teeth and don't look like the typical user and maintain a perfectly reasonable cognitive level and regular meal & rest schedule makes me a candidate. I was right! I didn't give up on myself because I knew there was a better option than absolute abstinence until eventual frustrating relapse occurrence when I would finally decide that my will was to do the things I am capable of instead of be a helpless spectator. Neither were good for my self esteem but I determined I was happier when I am productive and would just have to accept the loneliness as drug use is a relationship deal breaker says everyone including people who are bipolar, alcoholics, Ducati addicts without internal organs from racing wrecks.. whatever! Everyone thinks they are the exception to being able to judge poor impulse control behavior and it's impossible for someone under demon drug possession to carefully assess their own situation to come to an unpopular conclusion that might actually be true and 100% valid. To all the haters and the ex who conveniently used the excuse instead of admitting to his serial situation:

SUCK IT!!!

Tinder FTW

My profile blurbs written for tinder then cut/pasted, edited/saved on notepad app as a collection for tits n giggles:

 8/21/2017 ~ Perpetually challenged by the transition from app to real world relationship awkwardness arising approx. 3-4 dates in when it's too casual to delete tinder but too intimate to avoid weird feelings...

8/4/2017 ~ Never give up! Give back more than you take so that you know you're leaving the world a better place than the one where you came. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. Choose better! Find an imperfect person and accept them anyway knowing you're far from perfect but capable of achieving greatness if someone would only lend you a little hope & faith for a min instead of apathetical instant judgement with no real knowledge from which to base. Change the fucking world! Heal instead of hate.

12/14/2017 ~ I prefer lanky to “healthy”

younger to older,

long hair to no hair,

and hook up to pen pal most definitely.

However, I’d rather repeat something satisfying than keep swiping and trying so seeking a regular exclusive fwb for bareback & cuddling. 

Sign up now for an interview & possibly an audition!

3/17/2017 ~ I'm a circus 🎪 soul sister who's currently  obsessed w/ pro wrestling monkeys.🐒 My parents are still married so despite having no interest in child rearing, I believe in love and long term monogamous relationships and I'll never give up!

Know Thyself 🔥 Igni Natura Renevatu Integra!

No kids, never married, one kitty.

I live to DANCE & inspire transcendency. 🎭

9/11/2017 ~ I enjoy long walks through sprinklers on my way home from the bar... I'm here to find someone who's also willing to adopt alien babies, be a family, and one day go home to the stars!

1/28/2018

Finally figured out why a few weeks back I was experiencing a high rate of responses/messages from matches, by tinder standards that is (approx 20%) and suddenly it stopped 

😱 You guys aren’t interested in “Feminists” which by the very definition in semantical terms should be ALL FEMALES but of course there are always some tragically dumb apes amongst us 🦍🙊🐶🙈🐩

Real men aren’t opposed to women asking (**to not be raped a 3rd time!!**) for EQUALITY

2/7/2018 ~

I “look like fun” apparently. I have fun doing a lot of things. I make things fun even while working. If you’re bored, then you’re boring! If you need sex, you’re not very sexy!! Giving is hot. Patience is appealing. Intelligence is a turn on. Fun is not always getting your fantasy fulfilled but showing appreciation for a person’s time anyway. Nothing in this world is free and especially not intimacy. It is earned by decency & learned with respect. Be a gentlemen or you can go suck it. 

2/12/2018 ~

Bullet Club🤘🏻💋🤘🏻💋🤘🏻

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! Tuesday 2/13

I’m so much fun that I dedicate my whole entire life to serving others as a visionary catalyst for a non-profit art org founded & directed by myself. I’m a pro wrestling fan for a hobby which I work really hard at but my dream still is to be a Cirque du Soleil character in a show touring the world. I’m also looking for a life partner, not to be your life nor versa vice but experiencing feels in time. 

IG: @asraiyaonfire

shine!

  "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."  ~ Goethe

  Another day, another struggle.. and we wouldn't have it any other way now would we? If we would then it would be but it would be lacking in the fundamental beauty we have grown to perceive as the perseverity and strength we need to be pleased with ourselves and admire in others. So mote it be, you see?

I'm not privileged

Wow! That made me tear up a bit. I feel privileged. I'm a spoiled white girl who grew up in the suburbs and still gets help from her parents. But as a female who's been raped, grew up pagan in the bible belt, battled with addiction, worked in the service industry my whole adulthood, I'm not a an utter over privileged spoiled fucking brat! How about that...

 Know Thyself! ~

You live with 28 out of 100 points of privilege.

1. 

   You’re not privileged at all. You grew up with an intersectional, complicated identity, and life never let you forget it. You’ve had your fair share of struggles, and you’ve worked hard to overcome them. We do not live in an ideal world and you had to learn that the hard way. It is not your responsibility to educate those with more advantages than you, but if you decide you want to, go ahead and send them this quiz. Hopefully it will help.

How Privileged Are You?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/how-privileged-...Check(list) your privilege.

"Waiting to be born" by Rotersand

And another day is gone

ages of nothing

and another hope is torn

longing for something

waiting to be born

she said, I'm waiting to be born

and her visions are concealed

trapped in a notion

and her smile is frozen still

drowned in an ocean

waiting to be born

she said, I'm waiting to be born

i close my eyes to my illusions

i turn away from all i've left behind

i kill the pain and my confusion

I'm not dying anymore

i'm waiting to be born

and the walls are closing in

painfully silent

she's a prisoner within

lost on an island

waiting to be born

she said, I'm waiting to be born

she's not blind but she can't see

the shine of her colours

but once she's going to lead

the legions of crawlers

waiting to be born

she said, I'm waiting to be born

Today is the day..

...that I made the Sun come out inside of me! Hey look, it's shining down on you, and everyone I see. Hold a grudge though and you will see a cloud but that Sun is shining no matter what you see. Let the rain come and tomorrow you'll see. The Sun will shine until we are free ~

image from jodyhatfield.com

 

Lastlight

if only I'd known it was my last I'd maybe done something different or at least breathed in the moment more fully...

It's colder than before
The seasons took all they had come for
Now winter dances here
It seems so fitting don't you think?
To dress the ground in white and grey

It's so quiet I can hear
My thoughts touching every second
That I spent waiting for you
Circumstances affords me
No second chance to tell you
How much I've missed you

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass
And please don't ask me why I'm here
Something deeper brought me
Than a need to remember

We were once young and blessed with wings
No heights could keep us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar
Still, greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there
These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed as ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains, no feeling
Eternity awaits

~VNV Nation

Hello? Friends?

I need new friends! I realize I've been a bitter pill lately and it's mainly because I feel lost, alone, and unloved. I put a tremendous amount of weight on my partner because other than my parents I believe that he is the only one that cares about me therefore I depend on him for everything. I don't get it. I've always been extremely independent but more and more I've become less selfishly motivated. I was fiercely independent because I wouldn't allow someone to tie me down as there were always other things for me to do, see, place for me to be, people to meet but all those things were temporary. In the end they flew off quicker than I could stop and perch and then I saw others nesting and thought I should probably leave, no one wants to nest with me.. But is there a tree I could call my community? Is anything constant enough to not break off. I feel like deep roots without new leafs, no buds, no flowers ready for the termites to come devour. See.. bitter pill! :/

how to kill a revolution ~ follow a leader!

 Here's the link: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2011/10/10/this-is-how-you-kill-a-movement

 

My comment #162:
Guys ~ you do realize that the system of having 2-8 official leaders elected to represent everyone in the state is precisely what is FAILING. The problem is that if there's only a few leaders at the top then that's only a few to bribe, blackmail, or otherwise corrupt and the people and their interests are no longer represented even remotely.. I keep hearing similar sentiments like this slogger:

"We are fully on board with the message of the 99%, but not with the people who believe the only valid way to make a decision is by consensus." ~Christopher Frizzelle

  How is that on board with the 99%? Either you, just like the city, are contradicting yourself or we find ourselves in a bit of a paradox. Believe me, I find the GA frustrating and annoying as can be but the fact of the matter is that if there are no leaders then it can't be corrupted, though it can creep and crawl and hardly accomplish anything. However, this movement is about change. Everybody fears change therefore is readily willing to defend their current way of life despite the fact that it's a futile facade..

   The OWS has already succeeded in that it's made us think about new models of governing ourselves! It's made us check our egos as to why we want to be in charge of something! It's made us decide if we agree, or don't agree, or don't care, or are prone to sitting on the fence only to decide according to what our peers think! That's pure and simply [R]evolutionary!

If the people lead then the leaders will follow. As much as I hate it I'm willing to test this theory because I'm sick and tired of following leaders while they follow whoever is the highest bidder... 

"None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe that they are free." ~Goethe

Free Numerology Reading: Life Path #11

You are what is known as a master number. The number 11 is the symbol of the spiritual seeker. Your purpose in this life time is to achieve enlightenment. Sometimes this is done by finding a teacher and other times it is a matter of experiencing an number of negative situations that are designed to rid you of toxic emotional connections and clear your karma. If you are a number eleven and seem to be having a rough time then keep in mind that is typical of your number to experience a life filled with mysterious losses and either very fortunate or unfortunate twists of fate.


Part of your trying experiences is the cosmos' way of pushing you into finding the spiritual awareness that you need to elevate your soul. The number 11 path is often called the Path of Extremist simply because you lead a life filled with so many highs and lows. You are often like two people. One life is your public life in which you might appear as an eccentric or unusual character and the other is your secret life, which is obsessed with finding the answers to eternal questions.

You are probably a fairly well educated person who is still looking for answers when it comes to spirituality. One of the character traits of a number 11 is to look far and wide for lofty spiritual answers when often the answer is right underneath your nose. As number 11's can be quite snobbish or proud of their status as a spiritual seeker the universe often presents them with many lessons that serve to challenge their pride.

You probably don't fit into society very well and have to do a lot of pretending and acting to survive in a normal job or relationship. You have unusual tastes and may have a bohemian character that is very interested in the new and avant-garde. Your broad-minded point of view and permissiveness with morals makes you lots of enemies and friends alike.

If there is one thing that your friends find frustrating about you it is that you are a bit of a fence sitter. Your ability to see so many angles of a situation often causes you to be indecisive or not to act at all. For this reason many 11's often let opportunities in life pass them by. They are so focused on being visionaries that they forget to pay attention to small practical details.

Your sharp intuition and rich understanding of both spirituality and human nature makes you the perfect spiritual counselor. Even if this is not your profession you have probably noticed that others naturally seek out your guidance and advice during a crisis.

You are a very idealistic individual and envision a world in which everyone is equal. For this reason you somewhat dislike the idea of relationships as they mean that one human should be more exclusive to you than another. One of your highest spiritual qualities is to make everyone that you meet feel like they are special and a soul mate.

If you are an 11, it is also typical for the needs of your personality to be in constant conflict with the direction of your higher self. You have probably noticed that you get away with a lot less than other numbers. For instance if you do a bad deed, the resulting bad karma seems more immediate. This is because your path is a path of retribution that is about the negation of the self to allow the higher self to be divinely inspired by a higher power.

this is life.. not just a photograph

Life is ridiculous! I'm currently stressing out of my mind trying to put together the most inspiring, believable, responsible, and effective application for the funding of an art project while the US government is approximately 2 weeks away from being completely broke... In the meantime I myself, who is also generally broke, am ignoring that fact to the extent of blowing off the few rare opportunities that actually have presented themselves this week to make enough money to comfortably live through this process (beer, cigarettes, food etc.. what? I'm an artist and I'm stressed!).. Why? Because it's a calling! Because I'm a fatalist.. Because it's not about me! Apparently I want to save the world more than I want to live on it.. Why? Because it's not worth living on if none are willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of their fellow man. That is the calling! That is why this art project to me has precedence over everything.. Because I believe it has the power to effect changes so great that it will stir awake a dormant level of the collective consciousness causing an evolutionary leap in the social art experiment, bridging the aspects of ourselves that tend to have a magnetic force field pushing against them. I know this project will make me whole. I know that if I lead a whole life by example others will follow suite. Why? Because I have a dream.. and in a world like this one sometimes a dream is the only thing you have that makes a single lick of sense therefore it is the most sensible gift to give no matter how unrealistic it appears against the background of everything else. Dreams happen for a reason and mine most often really do come true but not from wishing upon a star, but by being one! Every man and woman is a star forever blazing a path to eternity.. even when a brick fucking wall has been built in the center of it, just got lay it down. When there's nothing left at hand, still got to lay it down. Will you then get the funding for your art project? I don't know, I think I need to lay down and nap... but I'm not tired! I'm not dead yet! The time is at hand!

Just Sage

Btw for more info on my play/art project stay tuned to the feed at http://greensnakebeaulily.blogspot.com or LIKE https://www.facebook.com/pages/Green-Snake-Beautiful-Lily/155197867883376  Namaste. Blessed be. So mote we be, free... LUX OM PAX 93 93/93

jumat pon pom

Hello Asraiya, date of birth entered by you is February 13, 1976 based on which your Indonesian Astrology (Weton) Day is as below.

Indonesian Day Sign: Pon


Indonesian Weekday: Jumat


English Weekday: Friday


According to the myth of Javanese astrology, Jumat Pon people require a wide friend circle to keep them entertained and busy at all times. You are reserved, quiet and a calm person. Honesty and purity are something that you value a lot and expect the same from others around you. You are adjustable and adaptable but very easily influenced by the sentiments and emotions of others.

Hmm.. k sure

transiting Saturn conjunct natal Pluto

In a word: Terrifying!

"To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning of terror, to learn irrefutably that you are mortal is to know the end of terror." -Frank Herbert

So I can honestly say that I've never been afraid before, at least not before this past weekend. I've studied martial arts. I know how to carry myself. I've lived in more than a few "bad" neighborhoods in my day and although I've certainly felt kinda "sketch" before on more than one occasion I've NEVER BEEN AFRAID! I was somehow armored by my life's purpose or something to that extent.. I've always known it just wasn't my time yet. Period. If it doesn't kill you it will only make you stronger.. so bring it on! Nothing I can't take, right? Well this past Saturday night for the first time in my life I suddenly felt as vulnerable as the runt in a herd of gazelle being stalked by a mountain lion.

I was walking by myself, alone, in heels, all dressed up on my way to Merc to dance just like I have hundreds of times before.. when crossing the street, in heels, I sped up to make the light on time and blow off the guys hootin n hollering at me in a car and I hyper-extended my knee, debilitating me instantly. I played it off halfway down the block but realized then that I was fucked. I immediately sought out a place to get off of it hanging left into the courtyard of the old BofA building on Broadway. I texted JJ to come get me, told him to drive around the back of the building and pick me up in the parking lot.. there I stood in the dark, alone, and defenseless. Suddenly I felt like I was dressed like an hooker on Aurora and radiating "stupid cracked out whore" or "dumb drunk bimbo" like a a neon sign was above my head. Usually even if I am dressed in such a fashion that one could possibly be mistaken.. I'd snicker at the notion knowing anyone who dared judge me as such would soon find himself horribly mistaken! But not then, I was a sitting duck, prime prey for the taking with a beacon calling 'em forth. Utterly Horrifying!!

Luckily JJ was quick but I don't know if I'll ever be quite the same ever since. My knee is still healing and I'm forced to capitalize on other talents than what my legs provide as a stable existence. Sure, I'm creative but when left with nothing but a poker face between me and death I assume I'm as good as dead. Guess I better work on that one. Cards anyone? One-eyed Jack's and.. uh.. deuces wild? Fucked...

Oh My Gaga

Few things scare me but these do indeed:

Monarch Mind Control ~ MK Ultra

The primary difference between the Order of Horus system and the traditional A.'.A.'. is that the Order of Horus assumes that its initiates will choose to become "Black Brothers" ~ http://www.xeper.org/ohorus

Yep the notion of "alters" puts a new twist on my perspective of ye old tree, eh, eh?

the official report

Terrifyingly stifled indeed...

sabian symbolism is vivid

The Sabian Symbols are a set of 360 symbolic images associated with the 360 degrees of the zodiacal circle. They were given birth in San Diego, California, in 1925 by Marc Edmund Jones and Elsie Wheeler, an extraordinary clairvoyant. Today, the 360 symbols are widely used in astrology in order to gain a deeper understanding of the influence of a planet located at that degree. (hmm.. interesting! below are the sabian symbols for my own birthchart 2/13/76 info found on www.astrowin.org)

Sun in Aquarius 25
Sabian Symbol: A butterfly struggles to emerge from the chrysalis and it seems that the right wing is more perfectly formed.
Kozminsky Symbol: A victor in a duel with a look of agony breaking his sword over his knee.

Moon in Cancer 28
Sabian Symbol: An American Indian girl, college trained but returned to her people, seeks to win their friendship for her lover.
Kozminsky Symbol: An old mill-wheel lying on the bank of a lily pond, with pretty creepers growing over it.

Mercury in Capricorn 29
Sabian Symbol: Afternoon tea is served in a gypsy parlor patronized by socialites and here a young lady reads the tea leaves.
Kozminsky Symbol: A dismantled fortress in ruins; near-by, an old man sitting on the ground, his back resting against a rock, with a sacred book beside him. His face expresses great sadness.

Venus in Capricorn 23
Sabian Symbol: The army is erect in a long faultless line as resplendent officers confer upon a private two awards for bravery.
Kozminsky Symbol: A dog, holding a bird in his mouth, running across a field of daisies.

Mars in Gemini 18
Sabian Symbol: Standing apart from the passing stream of well-dressed shoppers, two China-men in San Francisco are talking Chinese.
Kozminsky Symbol: An eagle wounded in flight swoops to a mountain ridge, where a brood of young ones rise from the drops of blood.

Jupiter in Aries 22
Sabian Symbol: A handsome grilled gateway opens to the garden of all desired things.
Kozminsky Symbol: A pilgrim crossing himself in front of an ancient temple, an overdressed official and a soldier mocking him.

Saturn in Cancer 28
Sabian Symbol: An American Indian girl, college trained but returned to her people, seeks to win their friendship for her lover.
Kozminsky Symbol: An old mill-wheel lying on the bank of a lily pond, with pretty creepers growing over it.

Uranus in Scorpio 8
Sabian Symbol: A beautiful gem of a lake set high in the mountains is revealed in the silvery bathing light of a full moon.
Kozminsky Symbol: A bundle of papers floating down a dark winding river under a starlit sky.

Neptune in Sagittarius 14
Sabian Symbol: A vast panorama of sand and time is unfolding -- the pyramids and the sphinx in their glory rise before the eye.
Kozminsky Symbol: A human eye surrounded by a circle of flames.

Pluto in Libra 12
Sabian Symbol: A worker's shift is finished and the miners emerge from their grimy hole into daylight and life above ground.
Kozminsky Symbol: A man falling from an insecure and broken bridge into a dark pit below.

Ascendant in Gemini 9
Sabian Symbol: A medieval archer stands with the ease of one wholly sure of himself, bow in hand and quiver filled with arrows.
Kozminsky Symbol: A hand holding a document on which is a crown and royal seal.

MC in Aquarius 20
Sabian Symbol: A large white dove circles about and about overhead and then descends and proves to be a carrier with a message.
Kozminsky Symbol: A quaint old chest standing in an old hall, a large key on the floor before it. Around are pieces of armor and old instruments of music. On the top of the chest is a dog asleep.

the time is at hand!

blah, blah, blah what she said at the water cooler.. blah, blah, price of oil.. blah, blah, blah  on the stock market...

meh, meh, meh I'm sick.. wah, I gotta work

 ~* WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE *~

Watch live video from CNN on Radio Mando on Justin.tv

There's a revolution going on right outside your door. People of the world are waking up to the fact that we have been enslaved by what's called "the economy". Now is the time for us to rise up and taken back our freedom and NO America is NOT the home of free but maybe the brave, it remains to be seen...

Know Thyself!

wow ~ this is the most in depth personality analysis I've ever been presented with on me, myself, & I! it's a free career assessment test that's surprisingly easy yet seems to get randomly get to your core values save to its randomness... perhaps? here take it ~ http://www.assessment.com

heheh.. no but seriously, it has got me nailed! check out the obvious as well as the deeper complexities I was less aware would be so obvious from a 71 multiple choice questioned exam:

• Heather (my legal name btw) can actually experience a certain kind of mental claustrophobia that may have adverse effects activity.
• Math may be about the same as a foreign language for Heather. At least, it is foreign to Heather's mental preferences in one-way or another. Mathematical problems seem to become bigger problems if Heather tries to solve them. (ha! no kidding..)
  
• Heather is motivated to influence and convince others as part of social, organizational, vocational, or recreational activities. A motivation exists to speak up when there is reason, occasion, or opportunity to sway others to Heather's ideas or way of thinking.  
• Heather is empathetically and sympathetically aware of the hurts, needs, problems, and wishes of others and is motivated to help whenever possible. There is inclination and willingness to get personally involved in the personal lives of others in order to help with one's talents and resources.
• Heather looks for new options, challenges, assignments, acquaintances, relationships, and even new careers in new places as she tires of repetition. Even activities that were interesting at the start once they become routine (Ooo! look.. shiny) Heather finds a motivation to move on to new other things.
• Heather is motivated to work on projects that are planned, scheduled, and completed. This indicates a preference to complete a project rather than leave it unfinished. But completion or achievement may be offset by switching to a project of higher priority and/or interest, with the hope that the uncompleted project may be done another day. What is not completed will probably be kept in mind until it is completed. (unfortunately..)
• Motivational levels are highest for Heather when in the limelight where recognition is earned, deserved, or given. However, there is no "ego trip" involved in the effort. Heather can comfortably function in the foreground or the background. Nonetheless, recognition is motivational.
• Heather is conscious of existence, meaning, purpose, potential and destiny of humankind, people, and self. Heather is motivated by a self-felt, self-accepted calling to the cause of good, growth, and gain in the lives of others.  Perception and thinking tend to be holistic and conceptual; i.e., seeing the big picture. 
• Heather's preferences fully support holistic, conceptual perception, and thinking relative to the basic nature, utility, potential, or strategic possibility of what is being observed or considered. This includes intuition, insight, creativity, curiosity, experimentation, and innovation in various degrees. 
• Heather's motivations are heightened significantly by persuasive, gregarious, auditory-musical, visual-artistic, and communicative traits to entertain others with intent to convince them toward a particular idea, viewpoint, direction, objective, or product. A high level of motivation exists because there is an element of risk involved where the effort has a goal tied to the end of the act.  
• Heather has intuition and philosophical curiosity that causes an awareness of personality, intentions, emotions, ethics, values, and moods of other persons, and of self.
• If it has philosophical or benevolent objectives, it will be a soft-sell. But if Heather is defending and/or championing the cause of the underdog or the less fortunate, then it will seem as if some modern-day Don Quixote and/or Joan of Arc are doing the persuading. (my voices were right!)
• Heather has motivational levels that support operating heavy, mobile equipment such as trucks, earth-movers, cranes, etc. (meh.. it's just job but I like driving me some heavy machinery!)
• Heather is strongly motivated to coordinate: to take actions, to manipulate that which is at hand in order to "get the show on the road."
• Heather applies scientific/technical/logical thinking (to the fullest extent this ability exists) to identify, analyze, and solve challenges and/or problems; to collect data, establish facts, connect abstract and concrete variables, draw valid conclusions, determine appropriate action, devise strategies and systems to achieve objectives. (woah.. that's some potential, huh?)
• Heather does not prefer activities requiring verbatim perception, recording, and/or processing of details, especially where numbers are involved. Heather may simply lack interest or the motivation to express self vocationally through the use of basic math skills while possibly quite capable. (just do we're clear.. heh)