True Love and the one that got away.. the story of my Parents

  I seldom tell this story because it's a rather long story as far as what can typically hold most people's attention involuntary. I save it for the people who randomly happen to know enough about me to be intrigued as to my upbringing. As a Gemini rising, I'm all about dichotomy. I'm very humble, rational, realistic, and grounded yet a total fucking princess spoiled brat who will probably never live up to her fantastical expectations. It's very rare but it happened tonight that a friend asked me about my parents. My parents are not only still married but they have the most romantic fairy tale meant to be love story! It's priceless!! Yet as amazing as it may be it makes me feel cursed.. because I have such an incredible thing to live up to. Especially now me being well past the age my parents were when they had me which was 5 whole years after they married mind you and yet I'm still single. I feel utterly disparaged yet never ungrateful nor undetermined because I know something majestically magical brought me into this world. Despite being born so unreasonably premature I would never have made it without a (incubator or some other) mix of medicine & hyper modern machinery, there's no doubt that the Fates gave their blessing. The story is pretty fucking amazing and will never cease to bring a tear to my eye and a flutter to even the most callous of cold hearts because that is our nature as humans beings to believe all our fantasies will eventually become our reality. Who am I to say nay.. I say, "yea, so mote it be!"

mom and dad dating

  So my mom's high school sweetheart of several years was as many years her senior and upon her graduation from high school he finished college and accepted a job in another state. So for whatever was the reason which was a highly evolved decision they agreed to being able to see other people the first year. My mom took a job as a switch board operator she and a girlfriend interviewed for together in a downtown building in Atlanta with a different company occupying each floor full of young adults eager to explore the possible social prospects to be found in the onsite lunchtime cafeteria. My mom's friend was a butterfly always chatting with anyone willing to receive and talking about her most recent dating experience, offering to set my mother up as soon as she was remotely interested.

I think they're still happy together

  Well my mother had in fact run into this one fair man and had her eyes kept on the lookout for him ever since. She had determined at this point which company or which floor he worked on so she agreed to be set up on a blind date with him. Twice she was horribly disappointed to discover her date of choice was in fact not my dad before she finally managed to get the right man. Instantly smitten they both were and within months dad offered her his fraternity pen (akin to a promise/class ring, or varsity jacket etc). My grandmother and family were concerned about this new development and called her high school sweetheart to warn him. So when Christmas came around he showed up secretly unannounced with a ring and proposed her hand in marriage. So my mom accepted her high school sweetheart and broke my father's heart and moved on to spend years with a suspected womanizer.

still love bugs 45 years later

  5 years later after finding proof of her husband's infidelity she left and moved back to Atlanta and got her own apartment and a new job downtown. Somehow within the first year she came across a Georgia Tech alumni directory from one of my dad's fraternal brothers. Immediately she looked up my father's name and called him at his home in Cincinnati. He told her he was happily married and had a little girl named Cynthia Gail (my mother goes by Gail.. oh and it was the rebound girl he managed to get pregnant so my dad being the most honorable father I've ever known did "the right thing" and married her) Disappointed in that oh so familiar notion that poems and songs were written "give all I've got for just one more shot at the one that got away" my mother gave her blessings and a blessed be.

me with my big sister at Tetons national park

  6 months later.. My father calls and says he and his wife have separated and were getting a divorce and he had a airline ticket for that weekend for her to come visit. They've been together ever since ~ 43 years now! Not a day passes that I will accept nothing less will happen someday for me, unfortunately or thankfully yet remains to be seen. I have faith that none can ever take from me and the heart of a mystic indigo child that bears the promise and a key of days to come with nothing left but peace as we lay our burdens down for love and harmony or death. Whatever may be we will receive, yea, we will receive.

mom, dad, my sister Cindi, her husband Art, and their children plus me, the black sheep... in 2006

I'm claustrophobic..

..but more of people/energy than of objects or confined spaces. Might need a new word for that phobia now because science is finally starting to prove what I've been saying all along feeling crazy. I'm just a little ahead of the pack involuntarily such as I've had undeniable ESP capabilities since I was 6 yo. Anyway here, watch this!

 

my short report forecast from astro.com

Jupiter opposition Uranus: A need for newness
Beginning of July 2011 until beginning of March 2012: This influence signifies a desire to release yourself from restrictions and obligations that you feel have limited your life unnecessarily. Often it coincides with a sudden break from some limiting circumstance, such as a person, a job or simply a way of life. This need for newness in your life and for something different from the daily routine is a powerful force, and it will be very difficult to continue as you have. You will feel the breaking away itself as an enormous relief, a lessening of tension. For this reason you must review your life very carefully to find out what needs to be overthrown and what does not. The danger is that you will overthrow worthwhile things along with the useless. Be careful of this, because it could substantially vitiate any advantage you gain from your new freedom. Relationships are especially affected by this influence, particularly those that obligate you in some way. A partnership, either marital or business, may be quite difficult to maintain during this time. And to add to the confusion, it is sometimes your partner who wants out. This is an example of an influence experienced in projected form; instead of putting out the energy yourself, you encounter someone who is apparently doing it for you. In this case, do not attempt to hold on to the other person, for that is the surest way to drive him away. Give your partner all the freedom he needs, for you need it, too, although you are not as aware of it. A related expression of this influence is encountering a person who seeks in some way to liberate you from yourself or from some duty that you have voluntarily taken on. You may find such a person irritating, but he or she is performing a valuable function in your life. Again, the roles may be reversed, and you may set out to change someone else's life. The point is that this is a valuable influence, even though it may be somewhat disruptive. It can prevent your life from becoming so static and stabilized that you cease to be truly alive.  

Saturn opposition Jupiter: Crab walk 15 October 2011 until 31 October 2011: During this time, your opportunities for growth and expansion in life are limited. You may feel that you are moving sideways, if not actually going in reverse. There may be financial problems, especially if you have overextended yourself in the recent past. Another effect of this influence is restlessness and impatience with restrictions imposed upon you. This period requires patience, but unfortunately yours seems to be almost exhausted. This is a period of readjustment after a period of possibly too-rapid expansion. Certainly it is necessary to examine your recent past to make sure that you have acted according to what you really want to do and really ought to do. This influence can have the effect of getting you back into a path that you have wandered away from. Do not be discouraged by any recent setbacks. Quite likely they were for the best, as you will probably see in a little while. Make things more secure and more stable, but do not start any new projects now. If your expectations are overly optimistic, you may be disappointed, but at least the reasons will become clear. You will see what aspect of reality has interfered with your ideals, and in the future you will be able to take this into account. Also at this time personal relationships may go through a period of trial. You often feel as if your personal freedom is unduly limited by others. Separations sometimes come about because you feel that that is the only way to achieve freedom. And, in fact, you are usually better off after a separation that occurs during this time. This is a time of cutting back and finding a more stable form for your life. It is not a time of growth and expansion. In fact, too much expansion in the past may be the reason for what is happening now. In the future you will have to make plans on a more solid basis so that changes in your life and pressure from circumstances and people cannot interfere so much. This influence is a useful, if not always pleasant, encounter with reality.  

Saturn square Venus: A sense of tension End of October 2011 until end of July 2012: This is a time of considerable tension and difficulty in your relationships. Love relationships often cool off and may even break up altogether during this time. You may discover that a love affair wasn't what you thought it was, a rude awakening after a period of lovely illusions. Or you may suddenly lose interest in a relationship that had seemed perfectly viable up until now. Of course, the other person may be the one who leaves you. Aside from love relationships, there is a sense of tension and a feeling that it is somehow more difficult to relate to people. You may feel that any sort of relationship exists at the cost of your freedom and sense of individuality. Relationships seem to be more trouble than they are worth. Another effect of this influence may be that "circumstances beyond your control" seem to get in the way of an existing relationship and force it to break up, even though neither of you wants this to happen. But this is almost never what is really happening. Usually one of you has a conscious or unconscious need to withdraw from the relationship, and you subtly maneuver circumstances to make it break up. Or you may be testing the relationship to see how much it can take. A good one will survive and be stronger. Every relationship must be an honest expression of yourself. But we often get into relationships that have little to do with our true selves, usually because of fear, a need for security, or a sense of personal inadequacy. Relationships sometimes simply outlive their time, and these are the ones that will suffer and perhaps die now. They are at cross purposes to your pursuit of life and self-expression. Loneliness is a problem at this time, because your need for relationships and your need to be yourself are equally great. Instead of working harmoniously, as they should, they are in conflict. But consciously or unconsciously, the need to be yourself is the greater at this time.
 
Saturn square Saturn: Soul-searching Mid December 2011 until end of September 2012: This is a critical period in which several aspects of your life and experience will be tested, especially those that began to be important about seven years ago. Most often this influence is experienced as a sort of identity crisis in which you begin to question what you are doing. You may suffer a crisis of confidence at this time, fearing that you have made the wrong moves in life or committed yourself to some course of action that will not be good in the long run. During this period you will think about and question all the long-term trends in your life. You will not be thinking about trivial matters. Sometimes a particular event triggers off this period of soul-searching. Others may create difficulties for you, especially in your business or professional area. Perhaps they detect the first signs of insecurity that will afflict you during this period. If they are people who naturally compete with you, they may try to take advantage of your apparent weakness. Employers and other superiors may also sense your feelings of insecurity and wonder whether you are the right person for the job you are doing. You must recognize that some aspects of your life need to be questioned at this time. But don't stand in one spot quivering about your life. Examine it and make whatever changes are possible and seem appropriate. Any project you started seven years ago or any new aspect of yourself that first surfaced then that is truly worth continuing will still be worthwhile after this period. This is a time of testing, and anything that withstands the test will be better for it. Things that do not pass the test are well got rid of. Shortly you will enter a period of stability and fruitfulness that will justify the events that take place now. In fact, if you are truly conscious of your life and your objectives, you will not undergo a real crisis at all. You will only go through a period of examining what is working and what is not. Your difficulties with the outer world at this time are signals about what you should be doing.

Beauty behold

THE TEMPLE OF SOLOMON
THE KING 

THE WANTON

THERE is a woman, young, and beautiful, and wise, who grows not old as she dances down the centuries: she was in the beginning, and she will be in the end, ever young, ever enticing, and always inscrutable. Her back is to the East and her eyes are towards the night, and in her wake lieth the world. Wherever she danceth, there man casteth the sweat from his brow and followeth her. Kings have fled their thrones for her; priests their temples; warriors their legions; and husbandmen their ploughs. All have sought her; yet ever doth she remain subtle, enticing, virginal. None have known her save those little ones who are born in the cave under the cavern; yet all have felt the power of her sway. Crowns have been sacrificed for her; gods have been blasphemed for her; swords have been sheathed for her; and the fields have lain barren for her; verily! the helm of man's thoughts has been cloven in twain by the magic of her voice. For like some great spider she has enticed all into the silken meshes of her web, wherein she hath spun the fair cities of the world, where sorrow sits tongueless and laughter abideth not; and tilled the fertile plains, where innocence is but as the unopened book of Joy. Yet it is she also who hath led armies into battle; it is she who hath brought frail vessels safely across the greedy ocean; it is she who hath enthroned priests, crowned kings, and set the sword in the hand of the warrior; and it is she who hath helped the weary slave to guide his plough through the heavy soil, and the miner to rob the yellow gold from the bowels of the earth. Everywhere will you find her dancing down empires, and weaving the destiny of nations. She never sleeps, she never slumbers, she never rests; ever wakeful, day and night, her eyes glisten like diamonds as she danceth on, the dust of her feet burying the past, disturbing the present, and clouding the future. She was in Eden, she will be in Paradise! 

Read more ~ http://hermetic.com/crowley/equinox/i/i/eqi01014h.html

sabian symbolism is vivid

The Sabian Symbols are a set of 360 symbolic images associated with the 360 degrees of the zodiacal circle. They were given birth in San Diego, California, in 1925 by Marc Edmund Jones and Elsie Wheeler, an extraordinary clairvoyant. Today, the 360 symbols are widely used in astrology in order to gain a deeper understanding of the influence of a planet located at that degree. (hmm.. interesting! below are the sabian symbols for my own birthchart 2/13/76 info found on www.astrowin.org)

Sun in Aquarius 25
Sabian Symbol: A butterfly struggles to emerge from the chrysalis and it seems that the right wing is more perfectly formed.
Kozminsky Symbol: A victor in a duel with a look of agony breaking his sword over his knee.

Moon in Cancer 28
Sabian Symbol: An American Indian girl, college trained but returned to her people, seeks to win their friendship for her lover.
Kozminsky Symbol: An old mill-wheel lying on the bank of a lily pond, with pretty creepers growing over it.

Mercury in Capricorn 29
Sabian Symbol: Afternoon tea is served in a gypsy parlor patronized by socialites and here a young lady reads the tea leaves.
Kozminsky Symbol: A dismantled fortress in ruins; near-by, an old man sitting on the ground, his back resting against a rock, with a sacred book beside him. His face expresses great sadness.

Venus in Capricorn 23
Sabian Symbol: The army is erect in a long faultless line as resplendent officers confer upon a private two awards for bravery.
Kozminsky Symbol: A dog, holding a bird in his mouth, running across a field of daisies.

Mars in Gemini 18
Sabian Symbol: Standing apart from the passing stream of well-dressed shoppers, two China-men in San Francisco are talking Chinese.
Kozminsky Symbol: An eagle wounded in flight swoops to a mountain ridge, where a brood of young ones rise from the drops of blood.

Jupiter in Aries 22
Sabian Symbol: A handsome grilled gateway opens to the garden of all desired things.
Kozminsky Symbol: A pilgrim crossing himself in front of an ancient temple, an overdressed official and a soldier mocking him.

Saturn in Cancer 28
Sabian Symbol: An American Indian girl, college trained but returned to her people, seeks to win their friendship for her lover.
Kozminsky Symbol: An old mill-wheel lying on the bank of a lily pond, with pretty creepers growing over it.

Uranus in Scorpio 8
Sabian Symbol: A beautiful gem of a lake set high in the mountains is revealed in the silvery bathing light of a full moon.
Kozminsky Symbol: A bundle of papers floating down a dark winding river under a starlit sky.

Neptune in Sagittarius 14
Sabian Symbol: A vast panorama of sand and time is unfolding -- the pyramids and the sphinx in their glory rise before the eye.
Kozminsky Symbol: A human eye surrounded by a circle of flames.

Pluto in Libra 12
Sabian Symbol: A worker's shift is finished and the miners emerge from their grimy hole into daylight and life above ground.
Kozminsky Symbol: A man falling from an insecure and broken bridge into a dark pit below.

Ascendant in Gemini 9
Sabian Symbol: A medieval archer stands with the ease of one wholly sure of himself, bow in hand and quiver filled with arrows.
Kozminsky Symbol: A hand holding a document on which is a crown and royal seal.

MC in Aquarius 20
Sabian Symbol: A large white dove circles about and about overhead and then descends and proves to be a carrier with a message.
Kozminsky Symbol: A quaint old chest standing in an old hall, a large key on the floor before it. Around are pieces of armor and old instruments of music. On the top of the chest is a dog asleep.

the secret of a clown

well think I'm getting possessed by a demon again... but at least we know I'm good at it.

I remember why I decided to quit acting ~ because it would make me mad. so I agreed to only do clown skits that way I'm at least being upfront and honest about the use of smoke and mirrors.. I'm not fooling anyone. see there's a secret about being a clown ~ s/he's dead serious! why doesn't he tell anyone that? because they would never believe him. they would say he's surely gone mad.. so he let's them laugh instead. why would he let that happen? because he's not mad, just broken. some things are sacred ~ they can not be said without someone crying their self to death.. it is utterly true that you can die of a broken heart.

there is a river and it flows into the ocean. tears pour forth from the eyes of the goddess.. none can wonder why she is hurting. she hurts because she's born forth so many children. she loves all of them. because of this the clown exists, he the priceless one, is sworn to do her bidding. though she asks for nothing the fool insists on doing absolutely anything it takes to end once and for all everyone's pain and suffering. for some reason she cries even more because of it. not sure why this is though I can feel it. oh but now I cry and I can tell you why ~ it makes no sense! it's just way too beautiful.

I have no idea why beauty would make me cry but then again at last here I am. it's never too late to assume you know absolutely nothing because at least for once you'd finally be right about everything. ah, yes, conundrum. I like words. I refuse to do math since I already know what's called probability. I understand chaos well but surely you know by now, words fail, towers fall, and I think it's way too funny! I don't believe anyone had to test chaos theory but you know me, and I know absolutely nothing.

everything is sacred. there is nothing that isn't, no desolation of abominations oh my god though, it's fucking hilarious! who writes this shit? someone thank him, bless his heart! that was good. so now, will you all please take care? and if you do then please I am begging you ~ play apart and do make a show of it!

new classic clown character I'm thinking about developing call her "Good old puffy-eyed" or just Puffy yeah that works good! fyi or btw.. the other ones I call "Juju the Clown" and of course who'd forget "Meme the Mime" (pronounced mimi or me! me! get it? she is silent)

Know Thyself!

wow ~ this is the most in depth personality analysis I've ever been presented with on me, myself, & I! it's a free career assessment test that's surprisingly easy yet seems to get randomly get to your core values save to its randomness... perhaps? here take it ~ http://www.assessment.com

heheh.. no but seriously, it has got me nailed! check out the obvious as well as the deeper complexities I was less aware would be so obvious from a 71 multiple choice questioned exam:

• Heather (my legal name btw) can actually experience a certain kind of mental claustrophobia that may have adverse effects activity.
• Math may be about the same as a foreign language for Heather. At least, it is foreign to Heather's mental preferences in one-way or another. Mathematical problems seem to become bigger problems if Heather tries to solve them. (ha! no kidding..)
  
• Heather is motivated to influence and convince others as part of social, organizational, vocational, or recreational activities. A motivation exists to speak up when there is reason, occasion, or opportunity to sway others to Heather's ideas or way of thinking.  
• Heather is empathetically and sympathetically aware of the hurts, needs, problems, and wishes of others and is motivated to help whenever possible. There is inclination and willingness to get personally involved in the personal lives of others in order to help with one's talents and resources.
• Heather looks for new options, challenges, assignments, acquaintances, relationships, and even new careers in new places as she tires of repetition. Even activities that were interesting at the start once they become routine (Ooo! look.. shiny) Heather finds a motivation to move on to new other things.
• Heather is motivated to work on projects that are planned, scheduled, and completed. This indicates a preference to complete a project rather than leave it unfinished. But completion or achievement may be offset by switching to a project of higher priority and/or interest, with the hope that the uncompleted project may be done another day. What is not completed will probably be kept in mind until it is completed. (unfortunately..)
• Motivational levels are highest for Heather when in the limelight where recognition is earned, deserved, or given. However, there is no "ego trip" involved in the effort. Heather can comfortably function in the foreground or the background. Nonetheless, recognition is motivational.
• Heather is conscious of existence, meaning, purpose, potential and destiny of humankind, people, and self. Heather is motivated by a self-felt, self-accepted calling to the cause of good, growth, and gain in the lives of others.  Perception and thinking tend to be holistic and conceptual; i.e., seeing the big picture. 
• Heather's preferences fully support holistic, conceptual perception, and thinking relative to the basic nature, utility, potential, or strategic possibility of what is being observed or considered. This includes intuition, insight, creativity, curiosity, experimentation, and innovation in various degrees. 
• Heather's motivations are heightened significantly by persuasive, gregarious, auditory-musical, visual-artistic, and communicative traits to entertain others with intent to convince them toward a particular idea, viewpoint, direction, objective, or product. A high level of motivation exists because there is an element of risk involved where the effort has a goal tied to the end of the act.  
• Heather has intuition and philosophical curiosity that causes an awareness of personality, intentions, emotions, ethics, values, and moods of other persons, and of self.
• If it has philosophical or benevolent objectives, it will be a soft-sell. But if Heather is defending and/or championing the cause of the underdog or the less fortunate, then it will seem as if some modern-day Don Quixote and/or Joan of Arc are doing the persuading. (my voices were right!)
• Heather has motivational levels that support operating heavy, mobile equipment such as trucks, earth-movers, cranes, etc. (meh.. it's just job but I like driving me some heavy machinery!)
• Heather is strongly motivated to coordinate: to take actions, to manipulate that which is at hand in order to "get the show on the road."
• Heather applies scientific/technical/logical thinking (to the fullest extent this ability exists) to identify, analyze, and solve challenges and/or problems; to collect data, establish facts, connect abstract and concrete variables, draw valid conclusions, determine appropriate action, devise strategies and systems to achieve objectives. (woah.. that's some potential, huh?)
• Heather does not prefer activities requiring verbatim perception, recording, and/or processing of details, especially where numbers are involved. Heather may simply lack interest or the motivation to express self vocationally through the use of basic math skills while possibly quite capable. (just do we're clear.. heh)

A.'.A.'.A on Indigos

I'm blue da bo dee da da

The reason indigos are associated with new age is because the new age movement started when the first tribe of us left high school and home and finally took a breath and looked around (94 for me) I so have a very strong aversion to my hippy dippy days and I hate "new age" because it was so annoying having to filter to all this tourist trap crap and sideshow rip-offs with people chaneling all this bullshit for a buck but it definately taught me real quick how to discern the way the truth feels opposed to illusion and especially lies! It was just a process of decompressing everyone here, kinda like alien entertainment, original hippies, rainbows, and those rastas that drilled it into my head over and over Babylon going down so we can go to Zion.. I can't believe I just noticed that Zion=156!! That's a coincidence of New Age proportions : ) musta been too in my face to see...

The thing I relate to the most about indigos is how I've always felt like it's me against the world but for the greater good no matter what. The idea of others fufills this need I have to know I'm not alone. Plus it fits the natural progression of evolution to move towards telepathy and then stop breeding so we can begin to communicate instead which is also evident genetically when homosexuality becomes a common defect (no judgement there whatsoever- I love gay guys! from a perpetuation of the species perspective it looks like the neccessity for breeding obviously is not so much..) If there was a global castastrophe right now I bet we would find that human females can immaculately conceive (aka virgin birth) like a magic trick or we were made in God's image who creates and has no sex, duh : )

See that's another trait that proves the indigos to me is we see through the veil (the third eye or binah=blue, chokmah=purple) as we remember what all the myths and symbols are suppose to remind us of instead of teach us some big secret we're unaware of. We can read the bluemap and understand how everything comes back around full circle and completes itself.


~Asraiya