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Wild Turkey my totem right now
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***background info for anyone else who reads this: I got kicked out of the fire circle/performance area at seacompression the weekend before last.... stupid unfair series of events basically. I dropped my cigarette butt 3 feet from the no smoking/fuel zone/fence line on my way back into it (actually it was around the side by the propane art sculpture things were, you had to cross about 10-15 meters from there to get anywhere near our lidded flammable liquid containers..) the wind blew and rolled it to within inside the fence about a 1/4 inch ~ strike one. I was desperate for some water for my sore throat/dry mouth sinus drainage exasperated by riding there on a motorcycle with no face shield! there was none. I kid you fucking not! I think the only place that had bottles of water at this rave party was the first aid station so I guess you had to hit serious dehydration levels before your only choice was something other than alcohol (or virgin cocktails if you're way smarter and less nervous than me before a performance..) so just before I dropped that cigarette I was running around looking for water in a panic because we went from having 45 min to 15 min suddenly as somebody made the decision to penalize us for being there on time and close to ready so the troupe who didn't have their shit together for whatever reason could relax 45 min and have our time slot... where was I? Yes, begging for water at the bar that wasn't open yet who told me I had to go inside and wait 20 min in line in there about 2 min after our set wasn't originally but was now suppose to start... Panicked! Okay they'll help me but they don't have any water.. how about I make you a cocktail she said? uh... gin & tonic... light on the gin, I'm performing like right NOW. yay, moisture for my mouth.. just drop cigarette, run in, take sip, set down and let's do this shit (fire show, baby!) woo....... guess the rest?
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| My best image from Seacompression :( |
**that was a week and a half ago.. Monday my fire partner performing boyfriend and I break up because Saturday he tells me next weekend he has plans on Fri to take this girl he knows because she bartends at a bar he drinks at a lot out and show her around Pioneer Square because she's never been. AND I can't come because he doesn't want HER to feel like the third wheel (yeah, awful being single hanging out with people in relationships, right?) later he tells me she isn't single but of course my double date (her boyfriend or a 4th friend since they're just friends why can't we all be friends..) was shut down the sec I mentioned it.. really, now that I think about it ONLY A SINGLE PERSON CAN EVER BE A 3RD WHEEL!? he WAS utterly lying to me!! sob trying to slip back into some poly amorous crap without being mature enough to have a conversation about it?
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| A third wheel is usually called "your Spare" |
*anyway, ur caught up now.. this started as a note to a girlfriend that I thought maybe I'd re-write and send to him.. the part about the fire show no no being such a deeply profound wound worse than I imagined.. but he doesn't give a fuck, he just wants to stick his little penis in Ballard bartender bitches! obviously wanting me to feel better is FAR from his agenda!
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| Screw you, your bike, and the 3rd wheel |
so weird keeping up appearances for what feels at this point like an imaginary unreal fantasy thing ~ my fire troupe that I'm not allowed to perform in but elected myself the leader of regardless when there's nobody left in it (well except for T__ who uses the permit for Sat night gigs at Q) especially now that S__ and I broke up. huh, hasn't sunk in yet that really happened.. can't believe it :/ I've never been an insecure/jealous girlfriend before! but I've never been cut off from fire dancing, 86'ed from the fuel area like a dumb drunken redneck, and not allowed to do the one thing I live to do after 6 weeks of stressful preparation ~ perform! I live to perform! I am a fire performer! that's what I do, that's what I am! take that away from me and suddenly I'm an insecure pitiful puppet of a wannabe girlfriend that is suddenly terrified that everything I've ever been secure or confident about could drop like a cigarette ash and blow away...
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| Ouroboros chicken |
I feel like a phoenix who's not about to rise from ash but has been stuffed, basted, and broiled up for holiday dinner!? this is new territory for me. how do you hold on to your dreams when your wing is some kid's wishbone? compost.. how does a phoenix rise up from compost? not a very sparkly myth now, eh? stinks worse than poop! oh but trust in your greasy tarragon flavored flimsy boiled boned wings that are probably somewhere in this heap that they will flap again and lift you into maybe a barn or at least some hay...... yep :|
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| Nobody loves me. Guess I'll go eat worms! |
and suddenly S__ insists I should have trust in him, him going out with girls all the time (that probably have a job or something that makes them worthy feeling, therefore acting, therefore attractive, therefore a threat! I'm a chicken bone.. not a woman) is just something I have to deal with.. wow, really? right now? can't give me another week maybe before you ditch me in misery? I know he's young and was attracted to the big upcoming exciting fire show permit holding hot dancing woman.. so I couldn't help but feel like he's trying to blow me off & trying to go on a date w/ someone now that I have no more shows to offer and our big exciting sexy moment turned into me shitting in my pants and him having to take me home & change my diapers......
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| Dead. |
trying to point out how I feel right now hoping that he cares enough to try to understand and will be sympathetic & humanly compassionate in his behavior, judgment, treatment and actions (specifically.. make a point to make me feel included and never unwelcomed or a 3rd wheel) ~ backfired completely! only made me more pathetic, and less attractive to him, and made him want to spend even less time with me and even more likely to make ever more plans that don't include me, widen his social circles further beyond my reaches, and brazen his adamant independence...
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| Broken.. |
fml! I have nothing in the world to be confident, proud, or secure about right now. I would dump me too! not sexy.. heh, at least I can always laugh at myself.... that's something! maybe..? I do have a knack for being able to pull myself out of the thick of shit and look at my self predicament from all perspectives including an inner comedian sketch artist looking for material.. we laugh because otherwise it hurts too much! maybe it hurts so much because otherwise we wouldn't laugh?
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Didn't I try this once and hated it?
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hmm, deep thoughts by... I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit people like me. not funny! squished tomatoes flying at you to compost, ya turkey! compost, turkey, phoenix sounds like some serious alchemy animal medicine... Give away, burn off the dross, trust the process! I want a turkey feather tattoo. this has gone from rant to weird to random to absurd to madness... MUAHAHAHAHAH! Gobble gobble :P (few more..) Bahlasti Ompedha! Birds crap on your stupid head! and OM NAMAH SHIVAYA, SHIVAYA NAMAH OM
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| The Destroyer |
